reflection - hooey!critic

Sunday Reflection

April 30, 2012 By Neena 3 Comments

I just sat down with a fresh cup of coffee. My babies are snuggled in their beds reading stories of campfire weenies, not bummer summers, and lost ducks. Today has been a good day. From start to finish – simply a good day.

The children slept until 7:00 which was a pleasant treat. I at least had time to sip my coffee before cuddling them on the couch and serving them fruit loops. I had big plans to spend the day doing a deep cleaning of the house and gave them the option to help. They chose to play together instead and ended up building an amusement park out of tinker-toys and frolicking outside where they tried to chase a helpless frog. He managed to evade capture which, knowing my kids, was probably best.

While they behaved as kids I turned up the 80′s music and participated in some major cleaning therapy – washing and ironing curtains, throwing out bags of trash, organizing my nightstand, spot cleaning carpets, etc. It felt wonderful – cathartic even. I miss the satisfaction that comes from a freshly cleaned room that smells of lemon and Murphy’s Oil Soap. I even managed to clean off the high counter in the kitchen – it’s my pet peeve to have this counter messy. Today, for a short while, it was perfect. No clutter, no mess, just clean…

I even managed to reorganize a couple of cupboards so that I could have room for the wonderful bounty my in-laws brought me from a semi-local granary. They have some of the most delicious mixes for pancakes, porridge, and hot cereal. Plus, the bags they come in are stinking adorable. They make me feel old-fashioned and domestic. The dogs even got a bag of treats from a Mennonite Bakery. Food totally works to bribe my dogs.

After I finished cleaning we ran to the store to buy a supply of popsicles for the hot afternoon and fresh flowers for the upcoming teacher appreciation week. I decided to indulge and bought myself some white lilies – the only thing worth putting on my newly cleaned kitchen counter. Pretty, huh?! They make me happy.

We ate ham bean soup for dinner, took baths to prep for school tomorrow, watched Thriller on YouTube, and watered our newly planted vegetable garden. These tasks – the monotony of a typical day – man, did I miss it.

I missed it so much.

And I will sleep tonight knowing that for the first time in longer than I can remember I had a really, really good day. And when my husband arrives home tomorrow night from his business trip I’ll hug him and kiss him and remind him how much of a blessing our simple lives really are.

Happy Sunday to you!

Filed Under: reflection

Finding time

April 27, 2012 By Neena 1 Comment

The stress has been slowly leaving. The anxiety of finishing school is gone. The worry over getting it all done is slightly foreign now. I’m working my way back to finding time – time for the little things, the joyful things, the things I didn’t even realize I missed.

I read a magazine the other day. It was quite a few months old, but I relaxed on couch while Charlotte napped and indulged in mindless articles of home organization, new recipes, and fashion no-no’s. It was glorious.

I finished an entire book in one afternoon. I read in carpool, at karate, and in the bed later in the evening. I devoured the book cover to cover and loved every minute of the experience.

I danced in the car this morning to my daughter’s new CD. We laughed and giggled as she struggled not to show embarrassment of her mother. I like to think I was rocking it old school!

I took a long bath that ended up turning into tub playtime for the dog and the 4-year-old. Instead of getting angry at interrupted hygiene I appreciated the moment of watching them play and splash. I didn’t even mind the multiple puddles left as evidence of their water frolics.

This is what I’ve been waiting for – time to embrace the little aspects of my day that have passed so quickly over the last three years. I didn’t even realize how much I missed them, but I’m thankful I am finding the time to honor them now.

Filed Under: reflection

On friendship

March 28, 2012 By Neena 2 Comments

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendship: the friends I’ve had in the past that have drifted away, the old friends that have never faltered, the friendships I’ve made through blogging.

For those folks who don’t know – my entire dissertation is based on the communities that mommy bloggers build. Not only is it one of the first dissertations to focus solely on mommy bloggers, but it is one of the first to look closely at exactly how they build the wonderful communities that become so much a part of their daily lives. Sure, my dissertation is full of SAT style words and all kinds of academic mumbo-jumbo, but when I really break it down it is all about friendship.

Friendship.

The women who participated in my study couldn’t express enough about how much the friendships they form online have meant to them – how many of those friendships crossed the boundaries of geography and Internet connections to become some of the most powerful relationships they have with other women. This is incredible to me – not only because I got to look at it so closely from an academic perspective, but because I’ve experienced those same relationships since I started blogging in 2007.

And sometimes it feels like blogging is the only place where I actually have friends.

See, what is so incredible about those friendships that exist daily within the confines of the screen is that there is ALWAYS someone right there to hear your words, celebrate your accomplishments, provide encouragement, induce laughter, and offer validation to what you feel in your brightest (and darkest) moments. These friendships have this incredible ability to, in a sense, to escape time. And, in some ways, this happens more so online than anything I have experienced in real life. There is no waiting for the girls night out, no coordinating schedules to find time to talk, no feelings that someone cannot be there when you need them. . I’m not saying it’s always rainbows and sunshine, but I see jealously dismissed, cattiness put aside for celebration, and support staked in the ground that could withstand a tornado.

They are always right there – at the push of a button – at the touch of my fingertips.

Those of us that have experienced the intensity of friendships from the blogging community know how difficult it would be to part with any aspect of it. These women we’ve met have become our sisters, our go-to’s, our arm links to empowerment. So I just want to say thank you. On days like today when I question if I am wanted and loved for who I am or just for what I give, I know each of you are there. You have been every moment since I started that first blog in 2007 with two toddlers at my side and a baby girl aching to come out of my belly. Your friendship is life changing…

Thank you for that. Just…thank you.

Filed Under: blogging, friends, reflection

Apparently I have my best insights in the car – and what comes out is the beginning of chapter 5

March 6, 2012 By Neena 2 Comments

I had an unexpected meeting with my professor yesterday afternoon to discuss taking my dissertation from good and defendable to something superior. We talked and laughed while he did his notorious motivating and inspiring. I drove home from the meeting with a renewed excitement and knew that I needed to find a way to grow my confidence in what I’m doing. So I did what I know how to do. I wrote. And this is what came out…

For the past three years I have existed in two worlds. In this first world I am a stay at home mom and a blogger. I plan meals, carpool to preschool, pack lunches, help with homework, and watch karate lessons. I tell my stories of struggle and joy to an online audience as I march through the daily trenches of parenting. I open up to them in a way that feels honest, wholesome, and respectful of what I try to do everyday. Through opening my own kimono I have accepted that my virtual sisters in the blogosphere have come to my be own lifeline to women with the similar goals of raising happy, healthy children and not losing themselves in the process. I feel pain when they share their stories of heartache and express gratitude when they validate my less than stellar moments as a mother. I interact with them on Twitter, plan trips with them to meet up in NYC, and send as many virtual hugs as my fingers can type. I celebrate the pictures of birthdays, laugh at the misguided family road trip, and do my best to ‘hold their hands’ as they wait for the doctor to call. They do the same for me without hesitation or motive beyond wanting to be there for support and celebration. This world is crazy and frazzled every moment of every day, but having that tie to others that are just as crazy and frazzled reinforces that, as I mother my children, I am not alone.

My second world is one that has thrown my first into chaos many times. In this second world I am a budding researcher, a girl that has struggled to adopt ‘scholar’ as a descriptive trait, a woman that has struggled to find a place in academics and feminism. In this world I am forced to adopt new lenses, ask difficult questions, and be critical of things that have always seemed so natural to my existence and my choices. It has, at times, been almost unbearable living in this world. It is here that I learn of my own ignorance, come face to face with my lack of understanding or knowledge, and begin to question things that I’ve always felt were better left alone. I came into this world with a tiny bit of curiosity and nothing more than a desire to understand more about the women that share their stories online.

I’ve often lacked confidence in this world – always wondering if I’m smart enough or academic enough to come out of this as even a small semblance of myself.

I’ve always been fearful of allowing these two worlds to collide. I have worked to keep them separate by existing in my first world as just a mom and fighting the advantages of my second as someone with the stance that I’m just a curious person. I’ve been afraid to call myself a researcher for fear that it will somehow marginalize those around me that don’t necessarily understand the academic world. I struggle to even refer to all the stories I’ve collected as data – afraid that lumping them into that category will somehow diminish their strength and value.

I was driving in the car the other day – less than 24 hours ago - when I suddenly asked myself why I’m so afraid to let these two worlds collide. Why can’t I be a mom, a blogger, and a researcher? Is it because I don’t believe they can coexist? No, I don’t think so. Is it because I don’t see what I do as something valuable? Not really. I think it’s more than that. I think I’ve been afraid to allow these two worlds to collide not for fear that what I do isn’t valuable, but for fear that I won’t follow through with my end of the bargain. I have a responsibility, no matter what my title, to embrace this opportunity and grab hold of the chance to show others that this is a phenomenon is worth honoring and worth listening to. It is my critical perspective, my overlap of worlds, that is opening up a space for these women – women like me – to speak and be heard. I owe it to these women to give their stories a chance to be heard in as many forums as possible. I owe it to other moms to bring to light a world that may very well save them from isolation. I owe it to myself to recognize exactly how powerful allowing these worlds to collide can be for current and future mommy bloggers. But, in order to do that I must step over the divide. I must embrace any and all titles and be willing to push further and deeper into this to see what lies on the other side. I must abandon the fear that I don’t know much and grab hold of the fact that, quite frankly, I do. I know this better than anyone. I know how much voice and identity and community exist behind the screen and within the stories. By existing as a mother,a blogger, and a researcher I know all too well how a simple curiosity can transform into a phenomenon worth fighting for. This is just the first step…

Filed Under: academics, PhD, reflection

Hug your babies tonight…

February 24, 2012 By Neena 2 Comments

My dear friend just found out today that her little girl has leukemia.

She’s 3 years old.

Please say a prayer tonight. She starts chemo tomorrow.

And hug your babies close…

Filed Under: reflection

100 Days

January 25, 2012 By Neena 6 Comments

I’ve never really been one to flaunt my accomplishments. I tend to take the milestone and the goals with a “it’s no big deal” attitude. Writing, birthdays, school – I’ve always played them off as if they don’t matter. I’m not sure why I do this. Maybe I don’t want to come off as arrogant. Maybe I don’t want to steal the sunshine from someone doing something more profound or something bigger. Maybe I just don’t know how to have pride and confidence in what I do.

Sure, occasionally I’ll shout from the rooftops “Hey, I made it to the mall today with all 3 kids and nobody cried or peed or spilled hot chocolate in Macy’s.” Somehow that seems worthy of a pat on the back because really? 3 kids at the mall? That’s like the bonus round of Fear Factor right there!

I’ve talked quite a bit on this blog about working on this PhD – about the struggles to balance it all, about maintaining myself and my voice in an academic world. In the midst of classes, papers, and defenses I’ve never actually let myself believe I can do this. I’ve downplayed this process and this accomplishment over and over again. It’s just what I do. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I worry that I’ll fail or not actually finish the program.

Today, though, I ordered my cap and gown for graduation in May.

I ordered the robe, the correct tassel, and the doctoral hood I’ll get when I walk across the stage. I ordered it after I received a flier in the mail announcing “100 Days Until Graduation.” At first I wanted to vomit a little because I still have so far to go. I still have to finish writing my dissertation, formatting it correctly, and defending it in from on my committee of super smart folks that I fear want to do nothing more than fail me so I’ll finally stick around and teach a class or two.

Then I called my mom and step dad and sent a note to my husband. They cheered, sounded genuinely excited, and asked repeatedly if I’d be wearing purple (why I’m not sure!). My mom talked about flying down in May for the ceremony and my husband reminded me (again!) what an example this is for our kids.

And for a brief moment I was excited. For a brief moment I believed that I’m actually going to have PhD behind my name.

Then the dog chewed up a favorite barbie doll and I was quickly brought back to reality.

But still. 100 days…

Filed Under: PhD, reflection

That, too, did pass

January 23, 2012 By Neena 2 Comments

Right after Christmas my husband and I spent three full days cleaning out our attic and storage space. It was a job that was long overdue and was absolutely necessary if we didn’t want to outgrow this house before the market has a chance to improve. We cleared countless boxes of toys, clothes, books, old computer equipment, and baby items. A couple weeks after finishing that I went around the house and removed all the baby safety latches on the cabinets, drawers, and doors.

I never thought about any of that while I was in the midst of doing it. But, I realized recently exactly what an amazing and terrifying milestone it was. I haven’t lived without safety latches for the last eight years. Every time I wanted to open a cupboard or drawer I had to remember to reach in and push the latch down before it would give. There hasn’t been a time in 8 years that the attic hasn’t been filled with baby clothes, baby toys, highchairs, bounce seats, and potty training gadgets.

Not anymore.

Sure, we saved the crib and a few sentimental toys and books for our future grandbabies. But everything else is gone. Donated. Given away. Removed from the house. And the whole thing is bittersweet.

Our family is a family of five. We are what we are and I wouldn’t change any of that. Maybe someday we will adopt, but I feel pretty certain that our family is complete – that one Jacob, one Amelia, and one Charlotte is what the Lord intended for our homestead. I’m a good mother for them and they are the perfect little babies for me. But, in the moment of removing the relics of their baby years I realized how fleeting it all was. My days of mothering babies is gone. I’m beginning my own growth phase of parenting children of a different age – an age of sleepovers, homework, extracurricular activities, sleep away camp, and personal opinions.

It’s magical, this phase. It blows my mind everyday as I watch them grow into these incredible people that follow most statements with “No, I can do it myself, mom!” or “I can figure that out!” or “I can read that on my own!”

Exciting, really. And absolutely worth it.

But, I wonder how long I’ll continue check the attic for that certain baby onesie or reach in the cupboard for that little white latch that has stopped me in my tracks for the last eight years…

and maybe I don’t need to stop reaching for it anyway.

Filed Under: reflection

Just as soon as…

January 14, 2012 By Neena 2 Comments

As soon as…

I feel like this phrase has become my response to everything lately. I’ll get to that as soon as I finish my dissertation. I’ll work on that as soon as I finish collecting data. I’ll finally have time for that as soon as I graduate. Oy!

I just don’t feel like my brain or schedule can handle anything else until I’m done with school. Keeping up with 3 kid schedules, after school activities, running the house, and finishing my dissertation does not allow for much else to make it on the list. And that’s frustrating to me. See, I’ve have this overwhelming urge lately to get lost in the domesticity of my life. This PhD journey is coming to an end (hopefully!) and I’m finally realizing all the things I miss about being just a stay-at-home mom. I’m also realizing all the things I want to do with my time when school if finally done. Many people are eager to jump directly into a job when they finish school. Not me. I’m aching to embrace the domestic aspect of my life for a little bit and enjoy simple things.

Like, getting lost in the folding of the laundry. Or, tackling an organization project right when I feel it and not putting it off until I have more time.

So I’ve decided to make a list of all the things I plan to do this Spring when I finally graduate and no longer have my albatross/dissertation hanging around my neck.

Work on my vegetable garden – last year I was just too busy to plant one, but this year I have plans to add another raised bed and explore what else I can grow.

Canning – again, last year I was too busy to make jam in the Spring. This year I’m going to can the crap out of some fruit and I want to see what I can do with my garden harvest. Maybe homemade marinara sauce. Maybe pickle some beans. Who knows! I’m excited by the prospect!

Learn to make bread – I have a bread machine and I do love it. But, I want to make bread from scratch. I want to work my hands and muscles kneading the dough and appreciate the time it take to bring together a plethora of ingredients into something fresh and homemade.

Teach my daughter to cook – Amelia asked the other day if I would teach her how to cook. I suddenly got so excited by the prospect and can’t wait until we tackle this project over the summer! I see muffins, cakes, soups, and stews in our future!

Fill the freezer – we’ve put off buying an extra freezer since our old one broke a couple years ago. It’s time to buy a new one. And, I’m looking forward to filling it with meals and homemade goodies to carry us through the next holiday season so I have the chance to just enjoy the merriment of the holidays with my kids.

Organize my recipes – my mother has all her recipes color coded and organized in little binders. Everything is easy to find and ready when needed. I can’t wait until she comes down in May for my graduation and we can tackle this project together.

Take a sewing class – I got a sewing machine a while back and I’ve enjoyed the few projects I’ve had time to do. But, I want to learn so much more. I want to make clothes for Amelia’s American Girl doll. I want to make the perfect apron. I want to make a quilt out of scraps of the kids’ old baby clothes.

I want to explore the farmers market in the area and see what local goods are available to us. Maybe it’s time to buy half a cow. Maybe I can find local eggs to use since we are just a touch under and acre and cannot raise our own. Maybe this will give the kids some great learning opportunities over the summer since we’ll be canning and cooking away the hot Georgia days.

I feel so defeated when it comes to the prospect of finishing this dissertation – partly because the work is hard and partly because I struggle to let myself believe that not only can I do it, but that I might actually finish.

But then I look at this list. And I get excited! Maybe this is the motivation I need to finish – knowing that in a few short months I’ll be allowed to embrace my domestic side again in a way that has been sorely lacking for the past three years. It’s empowering to make plans.

And, oh do I have plans!! (this is the point in the story where the motivating/upbeat soundtrack music would kick in. I guess I should pick a song for that)

Filed Under: domesticity, reflection

Death by Electric Blanket

December 28, 2011 By Neena 6 Comments

So I got my husband an electric blanket for Christmas. Recently he was waxing nostalgic about his parents having one when he was little and how he used to love to wake up and head to their bed to snuggle.

Not only did I make his day by purchasing him this monstrosity of a blanket, but I also proved that I am a loving and kind wife that tends to listen to him on a regular basis. I’m still not sure he picked up on that last part though.

Anyway.

Last night we finally unpacked the electric blanket and attempted to get it put on the bed. This should have been a simple task. Should have. But there were cables that had to be fed up through the bottom on the bed, power strips that had to be brought out, the bed had to be moved away from the wall, and the whole thing secured so nobody would trip over cords in the morning when the pre-coffee disorientation is still in effect.

Then it was time to sleep.

Can I just say that my husband, indeed, slept. He slept well. He set his side of the duel heat control, snuggled down, took up 3/4 of the bed, and passed the hell out. In fact – it’s 7:56 in the morning and his ass is still sound asleep.

Me? Well, no. I kept having nightmares of being electrocuted in the bed and strangled by oddly shaped heat coils. I actually woke him up at some point and told him about by concerns.

His response: ”Awesome”

Of course as I was stuck in a mummy position half off the side of the bed and wide awake I had time to analyze his “awesome” response.

Does “awesome” mean hey my wife is cool and thinks about morbid stuff and now we can watch uber-gory crap on TV to bond and be romantic. Or, does “awesome” mean I sure hope you are strangled and electrocuted because I located the life insurance policy when you made me clean out the attic and storage area on my vacation.

This new blanket thing is very stressful. I’m considering an air mattress on the floor until Spring.

Filed Under: gift, reflection

The Party That Almost Was…

October 8, 2011 By Neena 4 Comments

I have mentioned before how much I’m not a fan of kid birthday parties.

My feeling haven’t really changed about the whole kid birthday party thing – if anything I’m probably more cynical about it all. (at least more cynical about the whole class party thing!) Within the first month of school we got about 4 invitations to class parties. I rolled my eyes, RSVP’s ‘no’, and continued about my business.

Today, though, I came face to face with the guilty aftermath of not jumping on the class party bandwagon. This note was in my son’s backpack this afternoon…

At first I was all ‘What a bitchy tone! Can’t these people understand that there are schedules and activities and a billion other things that might prevent one from attending a party that have nothing to do with my cynical feelings about class parties?!’ I mean, Jacob has never mentioned this kid. Not once. They don’t play together during recess or sit together during lunch. I didn’t even know there was a kids named *** in his class.

And then I began to feel like crap.

Because I thought about this little boy.

I thought about what it must feel like to be excited to have a birthday party with all your classmates only to learn that nobody, not one person, was coming. I thought about what other plans his parents have made for his birthday and how that must compare to what he was expecting. I thought about whether this boy has friends or if he’s new to school or if he’s lonely.

And, I realized I’m partly responsible for the cancellation. And that led to a butt-load of guilt.

Now I sit here thinking about this boy and wondering about my stance on class parties. Should I be less rigid about the kids attending? Should I quit rolling my eyes at the numerous invitations that come in every month? Should I let my kids be part of anyone and everyone’s parties whether we know the kids or not?

I’m not sure I know the answers to any of those questions. But, I can’t help having a little piece of my heart chipped away when I think about the party that almost was.

And, little birthday man:

I’m sorry. I wish you a wonderful birthday. I hope you have a magical day no matter what you do! Thank you for making me stop and think about the other side of the coin.

Sincerely,

Classmate’s mom

Filed Under: reflection