motherhood - hooey!critic

Not So Bad

November 30, 2011 By Neena 3 Comments

I’ve had this blog post buzzing in my head for a couple weeks now. It was one of those things that came to me after a deep discussion with my husband over my incessant state of overwhelmness. Is that even a word? Well, it is now.

Overwhelmness with school and writing my dissertation. Overwhelmness with the house. Overwhelmness with the kids’ activity and schedules. It sometimes makes for a cranky mama. And by cranky I mean yelling at everyone, contemplating drinking, and writing to the government to encourage them to make Valium a required maternal supplement.

I had somewhat of a ~~breakdown~~ breakthrough a couple weeks ago when I finally admitted (out loud!) that I can’t do it all. Do you know how much it freaked my shit out just to say it out loud?! To admit it to myself?! I can’t be the perfect mother and wife. I can’t keep a spotless house and still have time to analyze the thousand pages of data. I can’t run myself ragged cooking and carpooling and dog training and running errands and still have time to breathe and exist in a somewhat lucid and functional state. I just can’t do it all.

And I though to myself “Why the hell do I think that I should?!”

In that moment I realized I’m kind of a hypocrite. Congratulations, Neena, you pretty much suck.

I realized that I am spending thousands of hours and thousands of dollars to work on this PhD that is focused specifically on how mommy bloggers are creating a new dialogue of motherhood that is based on exposing everything we don’t see in the magazines and within “The Jones’.” It’s about capturing the dialogue of their experiences of motherhood in all its raw, honest, less than perfect, authentic existence. It’s about the underbelly – the real motherhood experience, not the “reality” we are presented within our culture.

Yet here I am not even living the life and the stories I study. Here I am trying so hard to be perfect at everything I do involving my role as a mother that I’ve been failing to admit (even to myself!) that perfection fucking sucks! It’s not achievable. It doesn’t make me happy. And, at the end of the day it doesn’t make my kids love me any more or any less.

Hello, big giant light bulb. How many nights of overwhelmness tears did it take get your lazy ass to come on?!

So in the midst of this ~~breakdown~~ breakthrough I made a decision. With the blessing of my husband I have hired a housekeeper.

Yes. I have hired someone to come in and clean my house every two weeks because I CAN’T DO IT ALL. She starts tomorrow and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I couldn’t be more excited to have at least this much off my shoulders for the time being. And, I couldn’t be more willing to yell to the world that not so perfect is really not so bad.

Fuck you, Super Mom!

Filed Under: motherhood, PhD, reflections

Stupid Libra and its need for balance!

February 4, 2010 By Neena 7 Comments

I was driving home from a full day of classes yesterday when I became a little sad.

I was thinking about much I love being back in school. The environment, the academics, the learning, the people – it’s as if I’ve found a soul mate in a way – something that makes me a better person – something that makes me feel more whole than I ever would without it.

Then I come home.

I jump knee deep into motherhood, suburbia, and family commitments and I come alive. I feel a purpose, a pull that is bigger than myself and more eternal than I could ever imagine. I love it. I’m tired and stressed and constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for my family, but I love it.

And, so begins the pull.

I always said that I never wanted school to come before my children. Yes, I want this PhD. Yes, I feel I’ll be better for them through the process and upon its completion. But, I’m beginning to feel more of a pull toward school than I expected.

I put my career on hold for several years to become a stay-at-home mom – a decision I’ve never questioned or regretted. It was a very love/hate experience, but I think it was the most amazing experience I could have had.

Suddenly I’m pulled in a direction that is telling me to make this whole academic experience something equally as amazing. The trade off for that would be less time with my children – less time to be involved, volunteer, kiss the boo boos, and capture their moments.

There is an opportunity for an assistantship that I’m aching to apply for. It is something that I believe could be an amazing experience in terms of helping my become more well-rounded in this academic journey. It would require more time. More commuting. More days away from my children and family.

I don’t know if I have it in me to find that balance.

I don’t know how my husband would feel to see my ‘career’ come first for a change despite the fact that mine makes an almost trivial amount of money compared to his.

We’ve talked about moving closer to campus. But, that would involve a major overhaul of our lives, our children, his job, the home we probably can’t sell. Can I really ask that of my family? Is that really fair?

While I’m sure the solution will become clear eventually I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of my children.

And I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of myself…

I never want to look back and think ‘What if…’

I think that would be a thousand times worse than trying and not achieving the balance I so desperately want.

Filed Under: academics, daily grind, motherhood, PhD

I really should learn to look in the mirror before leaving the house

January 29, 2010 By Neena 9 Comments

As I was rushing out the door the other morning to take my son to preschool I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently she was having severe pain in her ear and needed to be picked up. I swung by to pick her up before my son’s carpool. While waiting to drop off my son I called the pediatrician and managed to score an appointment for just after carpool.

Huzzah for close proximity!

Anyway, I arrived at the doctor, went through the check-in process, and was escorted back to a room where we began to wait.

And wait.

The baby was beginning to get restless. My oldest was in full-on anxiety mode thinking she was destined for a shot. And me? Well, I was the mother of the year that forgot snacks and any other possible form of entertainment.

But, I put on those PhD smarts and used my iPhone to pull up a Caillou video to entertain them.

Huzzah for a non dead phone battery!

The doctor arrived, checked out my kid, diagnosed an ear infection, sinus infection, and wheezing in the chest.

I’d like her to do a breathing treating before sending you to a completely different building to check in and wait for a chest x-ray.

Um, okay. Sure.

After about 30 more minutes we headed down to get the x-ray where we ended up waiting.

And waiting.

The gentleman behind the counter was kind enough to give the girls some stickers to play with since, again, I brought nothing. Charlotte, being the friendly two year old, took the backing off her Sponge Bob sticker, walked over to an old man sitting in a nearby chair, and smack that sucker square on his crotch!

In a fit of embarrassment I apologized, pulled her away, and did that mother whisper scold.

Honey, no no! You can’t do that. That’s not nice. Now, please for the love of all that is holy, just sit down for mommy, okay!? I’ll give you a pony and ice cream and candy as soon as we get home.

She pulled away from me, looked me square in the face, and farted louder than any child I’ve ever heard. Everyone began to stare at me. Of course they would.

But it was also at that moment that I realized I was sitting in the waiting room in my pajamas.

That led me to realize that I was also wearing no bra.

And the lack of bra reminded me that there was also a lack of deodorant.

The smell could have been my child’s waiting room farts. Or it could have been the body odor spewing from her mother. I had been in such a hurry to get out the door that I completely forgot to do anything other than wipe away the smeared mascara from under my eyes. And, considering I’m 31, prone to hot flashes, and sweat like a freaking man to begin with, I’m sure I was quite a sight.

OF TERROR!

I’d like to say that we finished up the x-ray quickly and I managed to get home to put myself together. But, the x-ray took so long that I had just enough time to pick up my kid’s prescription before heading back to carpool to get my son.

So, no. I spent the entire morning running around in my jammies with my boobies flopping around and the smell of road kill emitting from my armpits.

When I did finally return home I realized I was out of deodorant and would have to get by with a rub or two of Hubby’s Old Spice.

Then I spent the rest of the day in my jammies with my boobies flopping around and the smell of Pacific Surge emitting from my armpits.

Man, I’m classy.

Filed Under: daily grind, hygiene, motherhood, self

The Indignity of it All – Subtitled: Mommy’s Cleavage is not a toy and You suck for grabbing the camera!

November 12, 2009 By Neena Leave a Comment

I always thought I’d at least make a little money if my boobs lit up. Guess not…

Filed Under: charlotte, motherhood, photos

Time to up the dosage

November 12, 2008 By Neena 4 Comments

I forgot my kid!!

I am officially that mom. You know, the one that forgets her kid!!!

Jake has been home from school this week for being the infectious kid. I sent him back to school today only to be called 30 minutes later to come pick him up because his nose was running. Seriously!? Yes, seriously! It was early release for him today also, but because I picked him up early I didn’t need to do carpool any different. I brought him home, fed him lunch, and put him and the baby down for a nap around noon.

At 12:15 my phone rang.

“Mrs. Mamaneena, this is your daughter’s school calling”

OH CRAP!!

“Today was early release and we wondered if you are going to come pick her up?”

OH S&%T!!!

I pulled both kids out of their bed and literally threw them in the car. I drove uber-fast down to her school and ran inside declaring that I was the worst mother in the world for forgetting my child. I clarified what time to pick her up tomorrow and came home and wrote it on the big dry erase board so that I wouldn’t be that mom again tomorrow.

And, it is just my luck that this happened to Amelia, the one child of mine that has that wicked ability to recall anything and everything at any given moment. Of course this didn’t happen to Jacob, the forgiving child. Or Charlotte, the one that can’t tell time. Nope. It happened to the one that will remember forever that it happened and who will, at any given moment, remind me of my failure with just a twinge of guilt.

She’ll make a great mother-in-law someday*

*This comment is in no way a reflection of my own mother-in-law who is caring, loving, and not capable of administering guilt. This is a comment directed at all those other mother-in-laws out there. Just wanted to clarify that, okay!