letter - hooey!critic

A Letter to My Younger Self

April 12, 2011 by Neena 11 Comments

Dear Neena,

None of us have the luxury of going back. We can only move forward. You’re lucky, though, because what exists in the forward is pretty amazing! But, it’s important that you remember a few things as you try to get there.

Realize that you’re beautiful just as you are. It isn’t about size or clothes or perception – it’s about what lies within. It’ll take many rough roads, constant changes of the numbers on the scale, and three babies before you realize that you’re enough just as you are. Accept yourself.

Trust your instincts. This will serve you well in both love and parenting. Don’t allow anyone else to tell you what is right for your children. You know in your gut what the right choices are and trusting that will create three amazing kids.

Don’t worry so much about love and fairy tales when you’re so young – you’ll just end up heartbroken. But I promise that, in the right time, the most amazing man will hold your hand, walk beside you, and love you unconditionally. He’ll know when to bring ice cream or when a bubble bath is needed. Just be careful of one thing: he’s a thief in the night with the bed covers.

You’ll push yourself with your education. It’ll be scary and stressful and make you want to quit. Don’t. Push through. Ask for help and accept it when it is offered. And, when that PhD is finally yours remember to thank those that helped get you there – each and every one of them.

Travel before you have kids. Be spontaneous with your husband and run away for a weekend. Take an actual honeymoon. And, when the kids arrive – take a family trip every year. Load up the car and just experience the joy of showing your kids the wonders of this world. And, bring the camera – you’ll want proof of those memories.

I can’t tell you much about what happens after the age of 32 – I’m still experiencing that part. But, I’d say that there are valuable adventures down the road – and the most wonderful husband and father waiting to grow old with you and experience it all.

Love,
Neena

p.s. Screw carpet – just get yourself the hardwood floors and save yourself the agony. Trust me.

Today’s post is part of the From Left to Write online book club inspired by 29 by Adena Halpern. I received free from the publisher for the purposes of this book club.

Filed Under: book club, letter

It’s rather sound advice if you think about it…

December 8, 2009 by Neena 5 Comments

Dear Blog Readers,

May I pass along a bit of advice?

If you have sons and you’d like them to NEVER, EVER get laid then put them in these:

If you have daughters and you would also prefer that they NEVER, EVER get laid then just set them up with the guy wearing these and you’ll be all set!

Happy Holiday from me to you!

Filed Under: letter

Take note, please

June 26, 2009 by Neena 6 Comments

Dear Neighbor Boy,

I know you’re seven and your parents don’t seem to care that you run up and down the street until after 9:00 at night. But, our kids go to bed at 8:00. So, no matter how many nights you come ringing the doorbell after 8:45 they will not be coming out to play. Got it!? And, if your mom would take a break from her tractor and your dad would at some point put on a shirt I’d be happy to pass this message along to them.

Sincerely,

Your Neighbors

Filed Under: letter

Dear Baby: A Mother’s Plea

June 18, 2009 by Neena 9 Comments

Dear Baby Charlotte,

You’re our baby.

We added you to our family knowing that you would be our last baby. We have gone out of our way to savor every moment of it knowing that there would never be another baby in our home. We struggle as we watch you reach new stages and discover new things because we know that it comes with leaving another phase behind.

I plan to let you have a binkie until you’re 12 just because you’re so cute when you have it. I may very well dress you in jumpers and onesies until you reach the age where you lock me out of your room. And, I’ve seriously considered shoving your feet in those horrible Japanese shoes so that they’ll stay small forever and I can kiss their chubbiness when you’re 30. Creepy I know, but you’re my last and your cuteness makes sticking to anything kind of tough.

Which is why I need to ask you a favor. Today I was forced to put you in time out – not once, but twice – for the first time ever. You hit your brother and you smacked your sister upside the head after I told you several times to be nice. While normally they might deserve it, today was the exception. I had to carry your chubby little body over to the time out chair, sit you down, and watch you become the most pathetic, sad, guilt inducing baby ever.

You cried big tears, repeatedly shouted ‘Mommy,’ and curled those fat baby toes over and over again. You looked lonely and sad and I couldn’t take it.
So, I’m asking you now to do me a favor and never misbehave again. Ever. You’ll break my heart enough the day you leave me, so do this for me and we’ll call it even. Okay!? Now, let’s go works some of that magical cuteness on Daddy.

Love,

Mommy

Filed Under: charlotte, letter, photos

Just a suggestion

March 26, 2009 by Neena 9 Comments

Dear Plastic Sea Creature Manufacturer and All Affiliated Parties,

A Couple months ago our family had the pleasure of visiting a natural history museum in a neighboring city. As is custom in our family when we visit a new attraction we allowed our children to choose a souvenir from the gift shop.

Our three year old son, the animal enthusiast, decided he wanted to purchase a tube of miniature sea creatures to add to his already vast collection of both land and sea animals. The tube contained a variety of sea life including, a crab, several colorful fish, a starfish, a sea horse, and several sharks. He was thrilled and easily spent several hours playing with his new toy. His father and I, however, were a little concerned about the appearance of one particular piece from the collection.

This is supposed to be a clam and, for some Freudian reason, it is our son’s favorite piece.

Now, my real concern lies with us, the parents. See, we’re not really any better that a couple of 12 year olds and, as you can imagine upon examining the picture, it isn’t very difficult to spend way too much time giggling about this. Yes, we should be more mature and be better than this, but come on! Did you really not realize what you were doing when you were creating the sketches and molds for this thing. I don’t care where you were manufacturing it. Most of us are equally immature around the world and I’m pretty sure these things look the same no matter where you’re from.

So, I suggest that you remove said ‘clam’ from the variety of sea creatures that comes in the tube or you include a warning on the label that this particular toy is not for adults. Because, frankly, it’s like a fart joke: it will always be funny.

I am certainly available for further sea creature consultation should something look phallic or boob-ish.

Thanks,

MamaNeena

Filed Under: letter

A fashion letter

January 23, 2009 by Neena 8 Comments

Dear Ralph Lauren,

Let me begin by wishing you and the family well. I don’t know how these economic times have been treating you, but I hope you and Polo are surviving. I’m sure you’re doing fine considering many folks wear your shirts to work and on interviews. So, hurrah for that!

Anyway, you may not remember me so let me refresh your memory. Many years ago you did a lovely guest appearance on Friends playing none other than yourself and the boss of Rachel Green. Who else on Earth would you play? Just being Ralph Lauren is cool enough I’m sure. I myself was a huge fan of Friends and Jennifer Aniston. So you worked with her and I was a fan of hers and that is how we’re connected.

See! We’re practically related. It’s a shame we haven’t met up for drinks yet. I know! We’ll set that up as soon as I clear the air with you. Deal?

I want you to know that, for the most part, I am not a name brand kind of gal, especially when it comes to clothes. It isn’t that I wouldn’t love to be a fashionista and look sexy in some Couture, but my lifestyle as a mother just doesn’t allow for it. You know what I mean? Hell, I buy my underwear in bulk at the local superstore. That’s just the kind of gal I am. No muss, no fuss, and a fan of cotton.

But, I recently purchased a puffy vest designed by none other than you. It was a fabulous red vest that I thought would be great for a family get together I had this past holiday season. It was a little on the expensive side costing just over $60, but I figured it was worth it to look a little trendy.

The day I wore it to our family gathering I noticed that the collar was folded a little funny. I kept trying to fix it because I sure didn’t want to look like a giant goober while I was wearing my cool puffy vest. Imagine the shame someone of my status could bring to your clothing, not to mention our close relationship.

So I made a mental note to iron the collar the next time I wore it.

That ‘next time’ was today.

Ironing is a big deal for me, you know. I just don’t iron. I never have. I’m not sure where my ironing board even is and I don’t have any clue why irons need water and all that hoopla. I’m a ‘toss it in the dryer for a few minutes’ kind of iron lady. My husband’s clothes are all wrinkle free for a reason. It’s just part of our lifestyle. Now, that might make me kind of a shotty homemaker, but to those folks I say ‘Imagine how it will feel when I shove a hot iron in your face, bitch!’ HaHa. Just kidding.

I checked to see what fabric the vest was made of because I at least know how to read a label. It said that my puffy friend was 100% polyester. Excellent choice, by the way. I’m a polyester fan. We should work on bringing it back in to style. You and Me. Instead of ‘Polo by Ralph Lauren’ it can be ‘Poly by Mama Ralph Neena Lauren’

It’s brilliant! We’ll iron out the details when we meet for those drinks. No pun intended.

I set the iron to the correct fabric setting and look what happened to my puffy friend!!!!

It just melted on impact! Gone forever!!! And, look what it did to my $9.00 iron from the Wal Mart!

Oh, Ralph. I know your devastated. I can just feel it. I, too, was saddened by the loss of my trendy puffy vest. I did try to put it on just to see if the burnt spot could be hidden by a strategically placed folded collar, but there was no such luck.

Now, I’m not expecting miracles or anything, but I would really appreciate it if you could replace my puffy vest. Or at the very least send me a gift card so that I may attempt to replace it with something a little more trendy and ready for Spring.

Since I’m sure you feel terrible given our close personal connection, I would be happy to come see you at your vacation home so that you can have me measured for a custom vest made from none other than our polyester friend. I can certainly work that in to my schedule between swim lessons with the preschool fundraiser.

So, you just give me a call and I’m sure we can get this all worked out. And, I hate to be greedy, but do you think you could fork over the cost for a new iron? I know I don’t use it much, but my kids have sort legs and since I can’t sew I often need my iron to do some n0-sew hemming. Understand?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Hugs and Kisses,

MamaNeena

p.s. is there a reason why when I call your office they don’t seem to want to put me through? Perhaps you just haven’t told them who I am. I’m sure that’s it!

Filed Under: letter

Confession is good for the soul, right?

January 6, 2009 by Neena 6 Comments

Dear Oldest Daughter,

For almost 5 years now you have been a true presence in our lives. You’ve been cheerful, artistic, and smart. You’ve made us laugh and engaged us in some rather interesting conversation. You’ve always been a pretty cool kid – with the exception of those few months when you sat on my sciatic nerve and wouldn’t move. I forgave you for that because you popped out and were an instant sleeper. So, it was all good.

This is why I am hoping you’ll forgive me now. I want to lay it all on the table for you so that when you enter therapy someday you have all the necessary information. And, let’s face it. You’re probably bound to end up in therapy considering all I did was watch bad TV while I was pregnant with you, I didn’t breast feed you very long, and I wouldn’t buy you Bratz dolls. All that added to what I am about to show you will obviously guarantee you a few sessions.

So, here goes.

(breathe)

I did this to you when you were 3 months old. I look back on it now and feel shamed that I did this to your poor innocent little body. Okay, you weren’t actually little and I have the scars to prove it, but whatever! This is about forgiveness, right? I apologize for puffing you up in such garb. It was wrong of me and I hope that someday you’ll understand and forgive me. Hey, at least I don’t dress you and your baby sister alike.

Oh, crap. I guess I did that, too. Whatever!

But, my point is this: I apologize for putting you in a puffy French beret as an infant that couldn’t even use her own motor skills in an attempt to fight back. I didn’t mean it. I was a new mother and a little obsessed with getting your photo taken. I’ve calmed down since then and rarely do I get upset when you now pose like some weirdo from the planet ‘Shoulder-Poser.’

So, are we cool then? All is forgiven? And I don’t have to worry about you writing a book someday about your horrible childhood?

Good. Thanks, kid.

Love,

Mommy

Filed Under: letter, photos

Dear Hubby,

December 12, 2008 by Neena 6 Comments

I feel it is important to tell you that I find you to be a very courteous and understanding husband, despite the fact that you’re male and that, alone, makes you kind of clueless. You are pretty respectful to the ways of a woman and tend to do your part to keep the peace in our estrogen heavy house.

So, imagine my surprise when, upon returning to bed after being up forever with one of the children you impregnated me with, I attempt to relieve my bladder only to discover that I have, in fact, fallen in to the toilet. At 3:00 in the morning! Okay, falling in the cold, wet water is bad enough, but have you looked at our toilet lately? There is a gross factor that cannot be ignored! I suppose if I had cleaned it recently then it wouldn’t be as gross, but I’ve been busy making cakes for birthdays, raising your children, attending conferences, and discussing foreign policies with the mothers of America. That last one isn’t true, but the point is I’ve been busy!

So, here’s the deal: I want you to go back to your courteous ways and be sure you put the seat down so that I don’t find myself needing to shower in the middle of the night. And, what will I do for you? I’ll resist the urge to rig something to the toilet that resembles Data’s Pinches-a-Pal and gives you a surprise in the middle of the night. Deal?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go spend the rest of my day with my other Family Man

Kisses!

Your Wife

Filed Under: letter

a day at the market

November 21, 2008 by Neena 5 Comments

Dear Awkward Checkout Boy,

Thanks for being cool and throwing away that lollipop thing my son unwrapped and licked while I was trying to unload my buggy and keep up with your warp scanning speed. I appreciate you not making me buy it because then he would have seen that if he licks the candy then mommy will have to buy it and then I’m in for a world of hurt because the kid is smart enough to just start licking random things like toys, dogs, and cars all for the thrill of watching mommy buy them.

You saved me, dude. That was pretty nice for a teenager stuck working at what may possibly be the world’s most bizarre discount superstore. Most teenagers just growl, give a dirty look, and inform their customers for no reason whatsoever that their break is coming up and they are dying for a cigarette. But, you didn’t do that. You saved me 97 cents and the tantrum of a three year old. And, you attempted to flirt with me which was kind of sweet considering I’m a 30 year old mother to three children and I haven’t been flirted with since I was pregnant and that creepy guy at the tire store tried to come on to me. But, that is a different story. So, thanks.

But, if I may, can I give you a bit of advice? I promise you’ll grow out of your awkward teenage-ness before you know it. But, if you want to flirt and pick up the ladies you might try zipping up your fly. I’m just sayin‘. Happy Holidays.

Sincerely,

Lady with the lollipop licker (okay, now that just sounds dirty)

p.s. I’m pretty sure my son licked a couple more when I wasn’t looking. You might want to dispose of those, too. Thanks.

Filed Under: letter

promises

November 5, 2008 by Neena 7 Comments

Dear Mr. Obama,

I will go ahead and state for the the record that I did not vote for you in this historical election. Quite frankly my vote would never have gone for you because, well I’ll just say it, you’re a Democrat! I have always been a Republican and would have loved to see another 8 years belong to that particular party.

But, the American people have spoken and you will be the next president come January. That also means you will be my president.

While I don’t agree with your views and your big promises, I leave myself open to your possibilities. You’ve made some big promises to all Americans and given many people a sense of hope. Don’t disappoint those that have trusted you. While I may not trust you now, you have every opportunity to prove me wrong in the next 4 year. I’ll be the first to admit it when you do. You talk a good game. Now, let us see if you can deliver.

Sincerely,

Mamaneena