My son loves animals.  Period.  He’s fascinated by them and never goes a single day without enlightening us with some new information he has on dinosaurs, bugs, or miscellaneous creatures.

Last week he was fascinated with the beaver.

*haha…I said beaver**

Anyway.  We were sitting at the dinner table and he began to ask questions about how beavers eat.  He was curious to know if they chew food the same way they chew wood when building their dams.  Now, I know lots of stuff, but I’m certainly not up to date on the ins and outs of beavers.

*hehe…I said beaver again**

The whole time he was asking these questions I could see this look on my husbands face.  You know the look – the one that says I can make this dirty and still keep a straight face while talking to my son.

Jake:  Daddy, will I ever get to go inside a beaver’s den?

Hubby: Oh, I’m sure you will someday.

Jake: But, what happens if you stick your hand in a beaver? Will it bite?

Hubby: Well, nobody likes a beaver that bites! We like nice beavers!

This is officially the point where I get up and leave the table as I attempt to keep from spitting my food as the men of my house casually discuss beavers.  When I finally composed myself and returned to the table  my son informed me that he would really, really, really like to see a beaver.

So of course I offer to remedy that and, lacking all common sense, start googling beaver videos.

I don’t think I need to tell you exactly what I found.

I do, however, think it is time to learn to set the parental controls.  None of us really needed to see that much beaver in one day.

**snort…beaver**

I was foraging through the bathroom cabinets in desperate need to find my bottle of Nair when my children figured it was the perfect time to bombard me with questions.

Jake:  Mommy, what are you looking for?

Me: I’m looking for a bottle of hair remover.

Jake:  Why?

Me:  Because I need to make myself pretty and part of that is removing any sign of a mustache.

Jake: *grabbing my tube of mascara* Well, what’s this for?

Me:  Girls put it on their eyelashes so they can make them longer and they can flirt.

Jake:  Do I need mascara to flirt?

Me:  No baby.  First, boys don’t usually wear mascara.  And, second, you have the most beautiful lashes anyway.  That will make flirting very easy for you someday.

Jake:  Who do you need to flirt with, Mommy?

Me:  Well, I like to flirt with your daddy.

Jake:  Everyday?!

Me: Yes, I like to flirt with him everyday.

Jake:  I guess it’s good you’re removing your mustache then!

The end.

Of the conversation and any chance I’ll ever engage in any beauty ritual while my children are awake.

Jake:  Mama, you said that when I came out of your tummy you went to the doctor.

Me: Yes, honey.  The doctor helped me push you out of my tummy.

Jake:  But, where did I come out when you were done pushing?

Me: Um… you came out of my private areas.

Jake: So, you mean your vagina?

Me:  Well…yes.

Jake: So the hole just got bigger?

Me: You could say that.

Jake: is that what made your butt crack bigger, too!?

Me: Um, let’s talk about this later.  And, Jake?

Jake:  Yea?

Me: Don’t talk about babies and vaginas at school, okay?  You need to let other mommies and daddies tell their kids that information.

Jake: Don’t worry.

And, off to school he went…

Oh dear God.