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Making Life Easier: A Husband’s Guide to Christmas

December 4, 2011 By 1 Comment

Dear Hubby,

You’ve asked me several times what I would like for Christmas.  To make things as easy as possible I decided to just create a list for you…with pictures…and links.

See, I’m generous like that.   Here goes…

1.  A new apron.  Something feminine and pretty.

2.  Lovely Perfume
3.  Any and all seasons of The Big Bang Theory
4.  A chair and a half with an ottoman.  It’s probably not a good idea to purchase something like this without me.  I’m just saying..

Now, because I’m so wonderful and kind enough to make this list for you, I suggest you never, ever put your finger in my ear again in an attempt to do a wet willy or you’ll find me shopping for genital replacements for you this holiday season. Smooches.

Love,
Your Wife

Filed Under: holidays, hubby

Caught Up

May 2, 2011 By 3 Comments
I’ll be the first to admit that I got caught up in all the Royal Wedding hoopla.  I read the stories, watched the behind-the-scenes specials, and woke up early Friday morning to watch the ceremony live on television.  
I smiled and giggled at how beautiful the bride looked.  I said ‘Awe!’ when I saw William wink at Kate during the ceremony.  I even watched the coverage a second time later in the day so I could prolong the fairy tale just a bit more.  
I reminisced about my own wedding back in 2002.  I was only 23.  Andy and I had a very small ceremony at a quiet chapel in Gatelinburg, TN.  I got lost driving to our ceremony.  Apparently my sense of direction couldn’t help me navigate from our cabin on the mountain to the little chapel on the strip.  
One of the only traditions we kept was choosing not to see one another from the night before the wedding until the actual ceremony.  While I was attempting to arrive at the chapel and was already into dangerously late territory, my dear mother-in-law actually said to Andy: “You know, she’s not here yet!”  
That scared the crap out of him.  I actually found out later that his biggest fear was me not showing up. Or passing out at the alter from his heart condition.  
How could I not show up and marry this beautiful man?!

Our ceremony lasted just over 7 minutes.  It was simple, quiet, and entirely about being married versus having a wedding.  When the ceremony was over we quickly slipped away from our family and went out to have a crazy meal in a dive bar where we laughed and giggled at the fact that we were newlyweds.

We came home from out 4-day trip and bought a house.

It’s been 3 kids, numerous pets, several sizes, and multiple marriage spats since 2002.  But, it’s been pretty damn near perfect.  Someone mentioned on Facebook the other day that this whole Royal Wedding/Fairy Tale was just a social construct that we buy into.

Perhaps it is.

But when you’ve been lucky enough to experience the real thing, I say sometimes it’s okay to believe in the magic of fairy tales.  

Filed Under: hubby, marriage, photos

A Plea To Hubby

February 23, 2011 By 4 Comments

Dear Hubby,

I want to commend you on your weight loss efforts.  You are doing an incredible job staying active and watching your calories.  I’m proud of your commitment and I believe you’ll achieve all your weight loss goals.

But, I have an issue.  You mentioned the other day that you are considering limiting your coffee intake to only before noon.  You said you wanted to give up coffee in the afternoons and evenings.

See, I can’t take that.  I can’t handle the thought of you giving up coffee in the evenings.  Our relationship is partly based on our commitment to coffee.  We had coffee on our first date.  We’ve spent many evenings sipping coffee at the bookstore and in the comfort of our bed.  You spilled coffee on me the first evening you ever took me to meet your parents.  Coffee is our thing.

Now, if you give up coffee I’m afraid that soon you’ll be preaching green tea and veggie burgers, yoga and exercise endorphins.  And, I’m just not the wife for going down that road.  I can be supportive of many things, but taking coffee our of our evening lives is just…nuts! Freaking crazy nuts!  Cause me to go insane and ache for the wonderful brewing smell to fill the kitchen in the evenings nuts!

So, please.  For the sake of our relationship, for the sake of our marriage – don’t give up the evening coffee!  Our future depends on it!  Don’t take away that thing we share right before I start my dissertation.  I’m begging.  And, if you can make this commitment to me, I promise I’ll quit putting that “cinnamon shit” in there when I make a pot of coffee.  That includes nutmeg, too.

Sincerely,
Your Caffeine Addicted Wife

Filed Under: a letter, hubby

We have the strangest conversations

February 17, 2011 By 3 Comments

It is not uncommon for Hubby and I to have the majority of our conversations over Instant Message.  We’re busy during the week and often end up seeing each other a few minutes in the morning and, maybe, a few minutes at night.

We try for a few phone calls during the day, but between his meetings/IT problems/general awesomeness and my classes/crazy kids/general awesomeness we tend to miss the actual talking part.

So, whenever we can we’ll send a quick word or ‘hello’ over Instant Message.  Sometimes, though, we try to say hello but end up somewhere else entirely.

Now, I need to preface the rest of this post with a little fact:  Hubby normally has an avatar connected to his Instant Messenger that looks like a happy pirate.  But, today he changed his avatar to the following image:

I’m sure you see a jelly fish.  But, when you look at this in the middle of class and the picture is actually about the size of a small button, you tend to see something different.  Thus comes the following conversation:

Me: from a distance your avatar looks like a small veiny penis.  
Him:  WTF?  
Me:  Well, it does.  
         I’m just sayin.  
         I’m in class staring at your veiny penis.  
Him:  Wow
          I just changed it.  
          I’m all freaked out now.  
*changes picture to some landscape*
Me:  Looks better now.  
        More mountain-y, less penis-y.  
*changing picture again*
Him:  That’s good.  How about now? 
          More stormtrooper-ish?  
Me:  Dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom.  
Him:  That’s got to be perfect pitch.  
Me:  Imperial March!  Love you!  
And that is how a marriage works when you have one in a doctoral program and one working 80 hour weeks.  Who knew that a teeny, tiny, veiny penis could signify true love!
Filed Under: converations, hubby

Behind the curtain

October 28, 2010 By 6 Comments

Hospitals are strange places.  The Cardiology Ward is even more so.  I came to the hospital today prepared with several hours worth of reading for my classes, but quickly realized that I’m much more entertained by interacting with hospital staff and patients.

Did you know that the gossip that happens is equal to or exceeds that of a hair salon?

I can tell you who’s kid snuck out of school to go to Wendy’s to get a double cheeseburger because he got up late and forgot to grab the sandwich and cut-up fruit his mother so lovingly prepared in the fridge.

Did you know that all visitors and family should be issued a standard set of ear plugs upon arrival?

There is no weirder sound that a stranger behind a curtain getting shaved while sharing stories of his last viagra adventure – which, by the way, was Monday when he also enjoyed some rum and his “once in a blue moon bit of weed.’  He was in his late 60.

Did you know that the cardiac ward comes with a free vocabulary lesson?

Gout: “(also known as podagra when it involves the big toe[1]) is a medical condition usually characterized by recurrent attacks of acute inflammatory arthritis—a red, tender, hot, swollen joint.”

Did you know that said vocabulary lessons cause you to sit in the waiting room and re-certify your google medical degree that results in some awful pictures responsible for the little bit of throw up in your mouth?

I was planning to include one of said pictures, but decided to exercise some restraint cause I love ya.  You’re welcome.

Did you know that it is actually quite relaxing to spend the morning watching The People’s Court with a waiting room full of the over 70 crowd?

But, did you know that the relaxation is quickly taken away when you listen to the guy behind the other curtain have his catheter put in and, in turn, hear him moan his way through filling up a bucket bag.  Taking that one step further – did you know that the thin curtains they have in the cardio ward do not block the sound of that bag being emptied by the nurse.

Furthermore, did you know that when your husband has his pacemaker taken out and replaced with a new one you get to come home with a $25,000 paper-weight to show the children?

Last, but not least – did you know that all this is tolerable, completely worth it, and taken with a bit of humor when the love of your life comes out of surgery and gives you this…

Filed Under: hubby, surgery

The beat of a heart

October 27, 2010 By 8 Comments

Tomorrow my husband is having heart surgery.

Minor surgery, but heart surgery none the less.

He’s been through this surgery before – about 10 years ago.  It was different back then.  We were not married and not yet engaged.  I worried, but was too young and stupid to really understand.  His parents were there with me while he was in surgery.  Actually we spent the time he was in surgery at IHOP.  In this family surgery is tolerated much better over pancakes and eggs.

I spent the rest of the time he was in surgery grading projects for the seniors I was teaching at the time.

It was a Wednesday.

He threw up in the car on the way home the next day.  I’m sure he’s glad I’m sharing that.

The surgery tomorrow feels different – quite different.  A marriage, two houses, and three kids different.

I know he’ll be just fine.  But, extra prayers are always appreciated.

I love you, Andy.  I’ll be right beside you after pancakes.  
xoxo
Filed Under: hubby, surgery

Why reading the news is bad! So very bad!

May 25, 2010 By 6 Comments

So, I have this raging fear of spiders. I’ve never made any bones about the fact that I don’t like them, cannot accept what they do for our planet, and would prefer that my yard and home be spider free for all eternity.

It certainly doesn’t help my fear when I read stories about women losing boobies because of something the size of a quarter!
And, it doesn’t help to read these stories at night. In bed. In the dark.
I needed to discuss this immediately with my husband!
“Honey, this woman lost her boob because of a spider,” I said to the back of the his head as he tried to go to sleep.
“Uh huh. That sucks,” he said, sympathy dripping from his voice.
“I’m going to Google this spider right now so I know what it looks like.”
“Now, don’t do that,” he says as he rolls over. “You’ll just freak yourself out and then you won’t be able to sleep which means I won’t be able to sleep!”
“I’m just going to see what a brown recluse looks like so I know!”
I type in my term to the search box and am suddenly faced with images of, well, spiders. Gross, creepy, Oh My God Is Something Crawling On My Leg Right Now-spiders.
“Honey, do you see this?”
“Uh, huh”
“These things are horrible! Do you remember that spider we found that one time at our old house?” Clearly he would know exactly what I was talking about.
“What!?”
“You know! That brown spider we found that one time down in the bonus room. Was that a brown recluse?”
“I don’t know, honey. That was 8 years ago.” I could sense that he was not enthused with me. “I’m going to sleep.” He snuggles down and puts his arm around me.
“Oh My God! Don’t touch me there! That feels all weird like there’s a spider under the sheets and it’s crawling on me! Move your hand!!!!!!”
“Seriously!?”
“Well, honey, what is one of these spiders jumps out and attacks one of the kids? Should I give them a benedryl and call 911? Should I do that for any spider bite?”
“Put the computer away please. I’m going to sleep.”
10 minutes later…
“Honey, do brown recluse spiders live in Georgia?” I whispered.
“Honey!”
“*incoherent mumbles*”
“Well, maybe your second wife won’t bother you in the night!”
“She’ll be too busy playing with her pet spider to bother me!”
The end.
Of my ability to sleep in this house. Ever.
And, if I can’t sleep I’m taking every one of you down with me!!
Filed Under: conversation, hubby, spiders

Sometimes It’s Better to Just Accept the Writer’s Block and move on!

May 24, 2010 By 2 Comments

Hubby and I were sitting in bed this morning watching Fox News and drinking coffee when I informed him that I was struggling to come up with a blog topic.


We’re leaving on a little vacation in a few days and I wanted to have some posts banked since we’ll (happily, mind you) have no Internet access where we’re going. Being the loving husband that he is he decided to brainstorm topics for me. Here’s what he came up with:

  • How much my husband kicks ass – True, but I’d hate to make all the other husbands in all the land feel inadequate. So, for the good of mankind, I’ll skip this one.
  • How the corn dog is the world’s most perfect food – with a follow up post on how more foods should come on sticks (oh, goody! it’s a series!)
  • How making fun of my husband on the Internet all the time cost me my “marrage” – Since I don’t know what a “marrage” is I guess I’m okay losing it!
  • how correcting my husband’s pitiful spelling skills first thing in the morning cost me “tender time.” – I didn’t want tender time this morning anyway!
  • 7 things you can do with duct tape and a ball gag – At this point I told him to leave and go take his shower. This one was suggested with impressions and sound effects. Oh, yes it was.

I think I’ll just come up with my own topics from now on – otherwise I might just write multiple posts on how we all need more bacon and more sex…


Goodbye.
Filed Under: hubby, lists

Married Phone Conversations 8 Years In

February 17, 2010 By 1 Comment
Me: I have to carry all the things with the stuff and wanted to do it tomorrow…

Him: Do you want me to look…

Me: I don’t think we have a thing.

Him:  I could pick one up to go with the crayons? Eight?

Me: No, twenty-four. With the flappy top kind?

Him: Locking?

Me: No, just fitting with the fitting parts.

Him: I’m on it.  I could, you know, a dolly or cart or something?

Me: No. No. No.

Him: What’s a pazcki?

*End Scene*

Filed Under: conversation, hubby

marriage therapy

January 7, 2010 By 11 Comments
Over the course of the holiday season my husband and I discovered something…
The game itself isn’t that exciting – unless you were an original Nintendo geek and it was the only video game you were ever really good at and you finally have something that serves to exercise your competitive nature.
But, I digress.
What we discovered is that playing this game is like inexpensive marriage counseling. Plus, if you videotape yourselves playing and watch it later you learn a multitude of things about yourself. We’re thinking we might need to move our sessions up to three times a week – we’re making such progress! *snort*
BTW – this video went on for over 22 minutes. I’ve only subjected you to about 2 of them. You’re welcome.
Goodbye forever.
Filed Under: hubby, marriage, video