My Dearest Charlotte,
Considering it’s not really acceptable for me to start drinking before 4:47 PM or so, I need to make a request. Could you please refrain from sticking anymore Cheerios up your nose – especially so early in the morning and so far from cocktail hour? Seriously, kid – an 8:00 AM trip to the dentist with three kids followed by an emergency trip to urgent care and an ENT specialist before noon does nothing to contribute to my plans for a serene Monday. As of now your Cheerio privileges have been revoked. And so have your raisins – just as a precaution.