doctor visit - hooey!critic

Caption: Where’s the Cheerio, Charlotte!?

March 16, 2010 by Neena Leave a Comment

My Dearest Charlotte,

Considering it’s not really acceptable for me to start drinking before 4:47 PM or so, I need to make a request. Could you please refrain from sticking anymore Cheerios up your nose – especially so early in the morning and so far from cocktail hour? Seriously, kid – an 8:00 AM trip to the dentist with three kids followed by an emergency trip to urgent care and an ENT specialist before noon does nothing to contribute to my plans for a serene Monday. As of now your Cheerio privileges have been revoked. And so have your raisins – just as a precaution.

Love,
Mama

Filed Under: charlotte, daily grind, doctor visit, kids

If I pour a box of Calgon on my head while clicking my heels will I be magically transported away from home!?

September 29, 2009 by Neena 2 Comments

I’m usually a fairly practical person. I like schedules and routines. And, I often find myself trying to schedule the different aspects of my days in a logical and sensible way.

Order. Routine. Lack of chaos. All those things make me very happy. I sing and dance and become a patient and loving crafty-type mom when the my world exists with organization and lists and schedules.

I don’t really get crafty when there is order and no chaos, but I do drink less.

Which is why I was so disturbed by the fact that this year I was going to have to make three separate trips to the pediatrician for flu shots.

Why three?

Because that’s how many children I had before I became the sensible one and realized I should probably keep my legs closed.

Three children. Three flu shots.

Now, logically I would schedule these at the same time and just prepare myself for a day of unbridled Hell. This year it didn’t quite work out like that.

Jacob was offered his flu shot in August when he was there for his wellness visit. I was already there so I figured Sure! Just add a 5th shot to the boy.

I planned to take the baby and Amelia at the same time to at least eliminate one trip. I called to schedule the appointment and was informed that they could schedule Amelia’s shot, but didn’t have one appropriate for Charlotte’s age.

Okay. Fine. I’ll make three trips. No real biggie.

They asked me when I was scheduling the appointment if I wanted the shot or the mist. I indicated that I was not picky and really didn’t care as long as she got something. Ok, thanks. See you in two weeks.

Today was two weeks. After a crazy afternoon I loaded all three children in the car and hurried down to the pediatricians office. On the drive there I gave the kids my typical mother lecture indicating that I expected them to behave. You know…

“Listen to me! You will behave at the doctor’s office. You will not run around, jump on chairs, beg for snacks, as for treats, steal stickers, or make a mess. You will not open drawers, whine, cry, pitch fits, or pick on one another. You will listen, sit still, be patient, and act like the good children I know you can be or, so help me God, you will be in trouble when we get home!”

We get there, check in, and begin our wait in the “We’re Not Contagious” side of the office. After what seemed like eternity we were called back by the nurse to a small room. I herded my children back to the small room and then things just got fun.

The nurse informed me that Amelia was signed up for the mist and her records indicated that she has some sort of wheezy thing back in February.

Yea, ok. I know.

Well, after confirming with the doctor it was mentioned that it’s too soon after her one wheezy episode to have the flu mist. It could cause some trouble. They didn’t have any shots in stock so we were asked to fill out a call card so they could call in two weeks to reschedule for us to come back and try again. Thank you and have a nice day.

No sorry. No we apologize for the inconvenience.

Pretty much just go home and try again later. Oh, and please fill out a second card so that we may inform you when we have the stuff for the baby.

Three kids. Three flu shots.

As of right now it’ll all be done in 4 trips.

I’ll just concede now and work on that bottle of wine in the fridge.

Filed Under: daily grind, doctor visit

It happened with the first two. It was bound to happen with the third.

June 29, 2009 by Neena 9 Comments

This is me. Right now.

And it sucks.

I scratched my eye yesterday while cleaning out my closet (don’t ask) and now I am miserable.

It hurts and it’s oozing and I’m forced to wear a makeshift patch until the eye doctor opens this morning at 9:00.

I’ll go to the eye doctor and say ‘Hey, Doc. Please squirt some of those highly addictive drops in here and let a gal feel better.’

And he’ll say ‘Sorry, Lady. All I can do is put a patch on you just like you had. You’ll just have to suffer until it heals itself – which will be in like a month.’

And I’ll say ‘A month!? You stupid eye man! You can’t make a mother of three suffer for a month. Please help a gal out.’

And he’ll say ‘Nope. I get a secret pleasure watching you stupid people that poke yourselves in the eye suffer. But we are having a sale on eye glass cases if you’re interested?’

And I’ll say ‘You’re a dill hole!’

Then I’ll go home a cry.

Filed Under: doctor visit, eye scratch

Yearly

June 1, 2009 by Neena 7 Comments

Warning! I am about to talk about the gynecologist – the vagina doctor. I am giving the folks that read this blog, like by Grandpa and my Father-in-Law, the chance to leave. Right now.

If you choose to stay you risk the appearance of words like stirrups, cervix, speculum, and lubricant.

Okay, moving on.

Today I have an appointment with my OBGYN. I have to go in for that good ol’ yearly up and at ‘um. I like my OBGYN. He delivered two of my babies and really is a nice man. His practice is private and I always see the same nurse, front desk ladies, and doctor. I’m a fan of knowing that those that view my whoo-ha aren’t on a rotating schedule.

But, even though I adore my doctor I often wonder exactly how he talks about his job. Think about it! He may very well go home at the end of the day and talk about all the babies he delivered or prenatal appointments he had. But, it isn’t unusual for any one person to have a bad day and the OBGYN is no exception. I’m sure he’s gone home at some point and completely vented about the horrible vagina he had to see.

The dentist does it with teeth. Same thing.

That is my worst fear. I never ever want to be that girl with the nasty vagina. I don’t want to be the one he remembers for being anything but groomed and pretty. Granted, I don’t want to be remembered for having the most gorgeous whoo-ha either. I just want to be in the middle – the norm – a vagina that blends with the crowd, if you will.

So, in order to prevent being the girl with the nasty whoo-ha, I go out of my way with preparation details.

The night before I always engage in the shaving ritual. It’s the underarms, legs, thighs, areas of the thighs that are normally unattainable, tiny little hairs on the toes, any random hairs that seem to have sprouted on my post-baby pooch belly, and the bikini area, of course. It’s quite an undertaking. Just on the off chance he’ll look anywhere other than my vajayjay I want it to be smooth. Plus, I refuse to be that girl with the wild and untamed bush that couldn’t take 10 minutes and hack up the underbrush before flashing the doctor her goodies! It doesn’t take a bush hog, people!

After the shaving come the whole process of lotioning up. It’s to prevent the man from evening thinking that you’re the one patient that is remotely covered in dry skin. The lotion goes everywhere – especially along the bikini line I just landscaped.

Because I’m sure his first thought when you’re in the stirrups is ‘Damn! Those are some ashy knees!’

After the whole hair removal process comes the need to prep the whole foot area. I always make sure my toes are clipped, clean, painted, and looking soft. Between you and me he never really sees my toes because I always bring a pair of socks to put on since my feet get cold.

Besides, wearing socks makes me less worried that my feet may smell – especially during sandal season.

I’m also the one that gets undressed in the room and folds and hides my panties within the folds of my other clothes. I know the man is about to look at one of the most ugly areas on a lady, but God forbid he see my undies!

So, I go through all this prep (plus the morning shower because I refuse to go to the OBGYN without a freshly washed vagina) just to lay on a table in a paper gown and attempt to convince myself that I’m not the woo-ha that gets discussed at the dinner table.

Geez, I’m sick.

I won’t even go in to detail about how careful I am to eat the day before so that I don’t become musical in the midst of the exam…

Filed Under: doctor visit, OBGYN, photos

here endeth the lesson

November 11, 2008 by Neena 4 Comments

Yesterday I ended up picking up my son early from school because he wasn’t feeling well. They said he was complaining of ear pain and had discharge from his eyes. I hurried and left Target and failed in my attempt to find my son’s most requested Christmas gift on sale. But, whatever. On my way to pick him up I called and scheduled an appointment at the doctor for that afternoon. I did this honestly believing that the rising cost of health care is directly caused by the requests this preschool makes that your child see a doctor. So, I take him and both his sisters to the pediatrician where I learn that my son is suffering from pink eye, an ear infection, and a sinus infection. I was thrilled when she mentioned antibiotics, but became the bad mommy when I asked about a decongestant:

Me: Is there something I can give him to help clear up all that congestion in his nose?

Dr. McBitchy: Absolutely not! Don’t you watch the news?

Me (thinking): Um, no I don’t watch the news you highly educated snot rag. I’m so busy wiping noses and asses that I can’t even begin to focus what is happening in the world. I’m pretty sure we just had an election, but other than that I’m a clueless, ignorant mother that would rather my kid not make me wipe his green snot 47 times in one afternoon. I have no idea what you’re referencing with your holier than thou attitude about my lack of media focus, but suck it! My kid is sick and this mama would like you to actually answer her freakin‘ question!)

Me: Um, not on a regular basis.

Dr. McBithy: Well, it is all over the news that you should never give children under the age of seven any type of cold medicine. On occasion benedryl is okay, but I don’t even recommend that!

Me: So, no decongestant, huh? Maybe I should move that meth lab out of his bedroom, too?

Filed Under: doctor visit, kids, preschool, sickness

Thank you, Ted Nugent – UPDATE

October 20, 2008 by Neena 5 Comments

IV antibiotics have been given. If no improvement is made by morning I’ll be heading to the hand specialist for some surgical intervention. Oh, and I hate cats.

Ladies and Gentleman! If I wasn’t an animal person before I’m sure as hell not one now! It is Monday morning and I just returned from the doctor. Why? Well, because one of my cats bit the hell out of my hand yesterday, it swelled to an unrecognizable size and has caused me to have an infection of some sort. Cat scratch fever, maybe? Some rare form of cat finger cancer? A horrible cat blood disorder that will cause me to become ‘Neena, Nine Fingers’? I have been graced with a tetanus shot, a flu shot, and an antibiotic all before coffee. If the swelling does not go down by this afternoon I have strict instructions to head to the ER for IV antibiotics. My finger is doing some serious throbbing and it looks like I’m flipping everyone the bird, but whatever!

Hey, Boo Cat! I’m the only person that likes you! You may have been a gift many years ago, but you have lost your sleeping spot on my bed! Get ready, you little f*$&er! You just bought yourself a one way ticket to the local Chinese eatery. Well, not really. But, I’m pretty darn mad!

Filed Under: cats, daily grind, doctor visit, monday

He’s been purring like a cat all day!

October 15, 2008 by Neena 5 Comments

Dear Preschool,

I want you to know that I am so glad that my son is having a great time while he’s in your care. He’s learning tons of new things and seems to be adjusting to all the new surroundings and adventures. But, I have a concern. Could you try to stop making me feel like a bad mother when it comes to my son’s health!?

I understand that you have an illness policy that requires them to not exhibit certain symptoms and be fever free for 24 hours before coming to school. I get that and I do my best to follow it. The popcorn kernel was the exception to that rule and I apologize. I didn’t realize it would take 3 doctors and 10 days to discover that little bugger. But, just because my son coughs a couple times while in your presence does not mean he is sick. I am not the mommy that runs my kid to the doctor every time he shows signs of something other than 100% health. But, since he’s been a part of your program I’ve had to pick him up early at least 5 times and taken him to the doctor at least 4 times just to reassure you that he’s normal, healthy, and won’t harm the other little germophobes that attend this school.

Please rest assured that we honestly take care of our son when he’s home. But I will not turn in to a paranoid mommy and a doctor-rushing freak just because the kid needed a tissue. I find it a bit interesting that the ‘symptoms’ you seem to see at school never really show their face around here. It is a school environment and germs, illness, and the whatnot are bound to be passed around.

Maybe we should try to hold a fundraiser to purchase masks for everyone so that nobody has the possibility of contaminating someone’s air! We could all come with our own bottle of antibacterial hand sanitizer that we lather all over our hands every 15 minutes so that we don’t run the risk of spreading germs through touch. Oh, and I’m a huge fan of the plastic bubble! I bet that chapel upstairs has enough room in it for us to just set up and shove each kid inside their own little germ-free space. We can force feed them oranges and chicken soup everyday. I’ll be fun!

So, thank you for your effort and concern. But, I would appreciate it if you would quit pointing out when you think my son is sick. It makes me feel like a bad mommy that isn’t paying attention to her kid. He’s fine and I wouldn’t send him to school otherwise.

Sincerely,

Non-Paranoid Mother of 3

p.s. Little Timmy sniffed as he walked past me in carpool today. You better go harass Mrs. Timmy next!

Filed Under: doctor visit, kids, letter, popcorn, sickness

my horoscope was right

October 3, 2008 by Neena 5 Comments

When I woke up this morning I had the following plan:

-get dressed

-get hubby off to work and daughter off to school

-take son to Dr appointment

-grocery shop

-spend rest of day cleaning house and doing laundry so that the weekend is free

Here is what actually happened today:

-got dressed

-got hubby off to work and daughter off to school

-took son to the Dr appointment where we proceeded to spend two hours trying to extract the popcorn kernel that was, in fact, shoved up there from 10 days ago! Spend these two hours trying to keep baby settled, son from getting upset, and doing so without any toys, snacks, or tricks from my bag. (because nowhere in my plan did I anticipate this)

-call hubby (who is locked in a data center until Saturday afternoon) and let him know what was going on. He drops his work to rush home.

-take two tired and hungry kids to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping. I could have gotten away with just buying milk, but that would have been too easy.

-Come home, unload groceries, feed kids lunch, put baby down for nap

-Run and check out daughter early from school

-Run home, pick up hubby and son, head to Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist

-Wait at ENT forever only to discover that this Dr could extract the kernel in a matter of moments.

-Leave Dr and head to Target to buy son a toy for being brave (hey, the kid had numerous people poking up his nose and the child didn’t really cry – he deserved a freakin treat!)

-Drive home, greet daughters who were enjoying the afternoon with their ‘Ma.”

It is 5:08 p.m. right now and I’m throwing my plan for the day out the window! I am sending hubby back to said data center, feeding the kids pizza, popping in a movie, and taking on the role of lazy mama for the rest of the evening.

I’ll be back Sunday with a special birthday post and the first-ever giveaway at Mamaneena!

Filed Under: doctor visit, horoscope, kids, popcorn

“Hello, we’re calling about your son…”

September 25, 2008 by Neena 7 Comments

I got a call from my son’s preschool around 10:30 this morning. I was surprised that the call wasn’t about his behavior (which has been wonderful lately, thank you!) They were calling to tell me that he was having green drainage just running out his nose. Nice visual, huh!?

I was surprised because I didn’t notice anything this morning when I was getting him dressed and brushing his teeth. But, I agreed to come pick him up anyway.

That is when I remember it.

What is ‘it’ you may ask?

‘It‘ would be in reference to the random popcorn kernel my son casually mention he shoved up his nose 48 hours ago. What if he actually shoved a kernel so far up his nose that I couldn’t see it? What if it was rotting up there and causing green ooze? What if it is slowly moving toward his brain and would cause him to become brain damaged and forget how to poop in the potty and I’d be spending the next five years scrubbing out Batman undies. Okay, that may be a little dramatic. Well, maybe not for me…

I immediately made an appointment for him so that if the green drainage was, in fact, the remnants of a kernel it could be taken care of. And, if it was simply a cold then at least I’ll have piece of mind.

It was just a cold.

There is no foreign object in his nose.

I am to return only if I notice a smell coming from his nostril. I don’t know about any of you other parents, but I rarely get close enough to smell any hole in my kids’ bodies. That is just asking for trouble.

Filed Under: corn, doctor visit, jacob, weird

next thing you know they’ll be driving

August 11, 2008 by Neena 3 Comments

Today held quite a few events in our little world. Our precious Mia started school today. She is officially in pre-k and that means that she goes to school all day long. Yep, she gets there before 8:00 and does not get picked up until 2:30. My baby, my princess, my uber-intelligent little weirdo is growing up. When we picked her up today she told us all about the playground, the new friends she had made (with no recollection whatsoever of their names), and her very nice teacher. Her biggest joy was sneaking to read books while the other children took naps. She did have one minor complaint about not getting a sticker today. But, we finally realized after a few questions that her teacher does not give stickers for behavior, so nobody got one.

Jake got to tour his new preschool today and seemed utterly impressed with the toys that were just beckoning him to play. Surprisingly he threw no fit when it was time to leave and thanked the director without being provoked. He came home so excited to go to school this year that he took his new backpack, filled it with about 30 animals, and claimed that he was off! Where, we’re not quite sure, but he was ready!

I had a check-up with the doctor today and got a thumbs up regarding my ability to recover quickly from surgery. When he realized that we have three children in car seats I got the distinct impression that he wanted to readmit me to the hospital so that I could turn down the lights and enjoy some of that great post-surgery morphine again. Instead, we all got suckers. That works, too.

I had planned to spend my evening catching up on blog comments since I’ve been uber-bad at that lately. But, I think I’ll try to take it easy instead. Hubby goes back to work tomorrow so I need to be milking this recovery thing for one more night. Besides, Tuesday is a good day for comment catch-up.

Later!