This is my child

I watched her hop out of the car this morning – her ponytail swaying back and forth as she walked into the preschool as independent as possible for her young age – and thought ‘this is my child…’

This is the little girl who, just moments before, was laughing in the car with me as we listened to spoken word poetry and discussed who is the landlord in her imaginary dog tenement.  This is the little girl who cares for sick and injured stuffed animals as if they suffer from real ailments.

She looks up at me with her big, bright eyes – made even more glorious by her sassy purple frames, and tells me ‘It’s time I learned to read.’

Okay, baby, mama will teach you.  Mama will teach you anything you want to know.

She sings when she plays.  And she gallops and glides and flutters when she walks.  This is my child who begs “just one more minute” when I hug her as I tuck her into bed at night – swallowed up in the bed by all the “people” she feels the need to take care of as if they had genuine heartbeats.

This is my child – who blows me away with the stories and feelings that exist within her at such a young age – newly five and already worrying how to correctly swaddle a newborn and make baby food from scratch and living near enough to me to come over and visit as often as she wants.  Someday she’ll be a mother and I’ll watch with the same wonder…the same awe as I did when she walked into that preschool anxious to fly and stay grounded at the same time.

This is my child –  practically created out of thin air – in a moment filled with nothing more than passion and the desire to write the first line of a new love story.  And, oh man, what a story she’s telling…

photo-1

My babies?!

Tomorrow my little munchkin, my baby Charlotte starts Pre-K.  I knew this was coming.  We registered her months ago.  We bought school clothes weeks ago.  And, last week we went and met her teacher.

All of a sudden it’s hitting me hard.  You know what ‘it’ is, right?  That ton of bricks that hits you when you have the sudden realization that you are no longer the mother of babies or toddlers but are, in fact, the mother of kids.  Kids!

Living, breathing, thinking for themselves, know what they like, have friends, want privacy kids!

Charlotte is my last baby.  I always said that when my children are all in school full-time that I would consider going back to work.  And I’ve officially got one year to figure it all out.  Sure, Charlotte will only be in school 4 days a week and we’ll still have our afternoons and Fridays for snuggles and adventures.  But this year will fly by as they all seem to do and before I know it I’ll be repeating this process next year as I walk her into a kindergarten classroom and watch her brother and sister run off to 3rd and 4th grade.

And it’s hard.

I’ve been a full-time mommy for over 8 years.  I’ve dedicated myself to their schedules and well-being.  I’ve taken them to the doctor, sat through countless karate classes, unpacked backpacks, and coordinated play dates for over 8 years. Frankly, I don’t want that to end.  I like being here.  I like being a full-time mommy.  Ultimately I’d like to find a career that still allows me to do that.  And I feel like my deadline is almost up.

I don’t worry about Charlotte going to school.  She’s a tough cookie.  I worry about me.  Me being able to let her go.  Me sitting back and watching her become whoever it is she is meant to become.  I worry that she’ll change so much that she’ll no longer be the girl in a tutu that proudly announces she wants to grow up to be a princess turtle doctor.  I worry that she’ll need me less all the while learning to praise her for her budding independence.  I worry that so much of my identity is wrapped up in my kids that I won’t know the girl looking back at me in the mirror in the morning.

Right now she is in the dining room laughing as she plays some educational computer game with her braid still wet from her bath.  She’s wearing a princess nightgown and her little toes are curling as she plays.  She’s a happy kid.  She’s completely ready for school tomorrow.  She’s done this before – for the last two-year in fact.  She doesn’t have any idea that tomorrow is different for me.

Tomorrow I take my kid, not my baby, to school.  And the whole thing is rather bittersweet.

2-year-old class

3-year-old class

 

They always know when you’re at your most vulnerable

Yesterday I got home from picking Charlotte up from preschool and realized rather quickly that I needed to use the toilet.  I told Charlotte I’d be right back and ducked into the master bathroom to, well, take care of business.

I had no more sat down when little Charlotte comes marching up to me and says “I need to use the potty, too!”

“Okay.  Well, there are three other bathrooms in this house you can use.”

“Nope.  I wanna use your potty.”

I told her I might be a while and she’d have to wait.  Apparently this is never and issue for a 4-year-old.  For me, though, I’m not usually a fan of an audience while I’m stuck sitting on a toilet in the tiniest closet known to man because apparently it is all the rage now to build houses where the toilet is secluded in a little room behind a door that can’t even close unless you have knees the size of Kate Moss.

It was only then that I looked over and realized there was no toilet paper on the role.  Perfect! I’ll send the 4-year-old on a highly secret mission to sneak into the enemy camp (aka: another bathroom) and bring back their weapon supply (aka: toilet paper).  It was brilliant! I’d get my beloved privacy and she’d be saving me from a very embarrassing waddle across the house with my pants at my knees as you hear shouting from behind you “mama poopy in the potty!”  I know you know that waddle!

Away she went.  I waited.  And waited.

Moments later she returned…

With nothing more than a bag of crackers and the latest edition of Southern Living Magazine.

“Let’s plan our garden, Mama!”

Which is exactly what we did because, really, I was at her mercy. I had to pay the ransom to get my beloved toilet paper or I’d end up wiping my ass on an article about how to prepare a lovely afternoon tea.  Southern belle or not, I just couldn’t do it.

When she had sufficiently covered all the tulips, grasses, and potted plants within the covers and picked out a bottle of jasmine perfume for me for mother’s day (because apparently I’m 87 with a bad case of jowls) she decided she could no longer wait on me and ran to use another potty.

There I sat…magazine in my lap, empty cracker bag in my hand, no toilet paper to my left…waiting for her to return.

Which she did several looooong minutes later with exactly one square of toilet paper for her mama.

To Charlotte…

Dear Charlotte,

Tomorrow you’ll wake up bright and early and suddenly you’ll be four.  I’m about to begin wrapping your birthday treasures and your daddy is anxious to put together your new bicycle.  I ask myself daily where the time has gone – when you went from being a tiny little being that spent hours staring at the sky to a feisty bundle of energy that explores the world the with charge of an army.

I remember bringing you home from the hospital.  My winter baby.  It just happened to be 80 degrees that day in December and all the clothes I packed for you made you the most overdressed baby in the hospital.  I remember nursing you to the glow of the Christmas tree and sending baby announcements that year instead of Christmas cards.

You have truly been a joy, baby girl – from the way you stroke my cheek when we snuggle on the couch to the way you sing in the car with the volume of a choir.  Your giggles and genuine smiles make the stress and frustrations of life melt away.  I am lucky to be your mother.  It wasn’t until you came along that I understood exactly what our family was missing.  You.

I love you, pumpkin.

The bearded lady

Starring…
Charlotte: my precocious 3 year old
“Mama, what would happen if a woman had a beard?”
“Well, I think she might look kind of silly.”  
Reaching up and touching my upper lip…”Well then I think you better shave.”

Thank you, Charlotte, for reminding me that clearly I am overdue for a waxing.  Now if you’ll excuse me…I think I need to relocate my self esteem.

from two to three

My Sweet Charlotte,
Today you turn three and my heart swells with love.  
From the moment you entered my world I’ve felt complete.  Whole.  
You embody innocence, curiosity, and a kindness that takes my breath away.  
You’re possibly the brightest light my heart has had the blessing to witness.  
You have no idea how absolutely incredible you are. 
Your smile – your bright eyes, your life-affirming laughter…

I love you more than words, sweet girl.  It is an honor and a gift to be your mama. 
Happy Birthday, little one.  
Thank you for every moment of hugs and wishes and stars and snuggles. 
Those moments are what make life worth living.  
Love,
Mama

Sweet Little Angel

Tomorrow my sweet little angel, my last little baby heads off to her first day of preschool.  She’ll begin a new adventure, make new friends, and my fridge will inevitably become covered with the newest set of hand prints and painted creatures.  
She fell asleep this afternoon despite every effort to stay awake.  She hates to sleep – afraid that she’ll miss something.  But, the cold she’s fighting finally caught up to her and it managed to squeeze a 30 minute rest out of her.  
We watched her sleep.  I fought feelings of sadness and excitement as I prepare to send her off to her first day of school.  She’s my baby.  My last.  
And, even though colors and ABC’s are important lessons to learn, I’d much rather she continue to stay home and be the Goose to my Maverick – my partner in crime – my Charlotte.  

Damn.  Now I need a puppy.

Not the big kid

Last night Hubby took the older two kids to see Toy Story 3. I stayed home with our baby girl.
Sometimes it hard to be the littlest one. Sometimes it would just be easier to be big. Sometimes getting left out is enough to break a little heart.
If only this was the worst heartbreak she’d ever face…

I think my heart might need a band aid, too.

Candy Apple Red Shoes

Sometimes I wish I could play as just as carefree as she does…
Laughing and imagining and ignoring anything less than a world that smiles.  

Sharing stories with friends, both imaginary and plastic, as they explore 
the vastness of the front yard.  
Content and happy and uninterrupted in her candy apple red shoes.  On the wrong feet, of course…
And that’s just the way she likes it…

the girl and her magic balloon

She held its string with all her might – careful not to let it fly away

It’s flying, Mama.  It’s flying!
I can fly, too, Mama! I’m flying like a kite!

My balloon!  See!?

I see, baby.  I see…

*and I’m sorry I popped it after you stepped on my foot…

*really, I am.