When I married Andy almost ten years ago I immediately felt a sense of safety with him. It was as if I came home.
I knew the life we were building would be full of great things and I never worried about the future. In many ways I felt the same invincibility in our marriage that many teenagers feel as they experience their first taste of independence. Nothing bad would ever happen. Not to us…not in our marriage.
Then we had our first child. And a second. And finally a third.
The birth of each child and the constant traveling my husband was required to do for work created this strange fear and anxiety within me. For the first time I began wondering what would happen if I lost my husband.
What would happen if I became a widow? Would I move on? Could I move on? How would it affect my children?
I would lay in bed at night worrying that something was going to happen to him – that our utter happiness and amazing relationship somehow made us more likely to experience something terrifying and earth shattering.
Who would I be without my husband? Would I be the same person? I don’t remember what is was like to be me before I was “Neena and Andy.”
I believe that if we are lucky we may get one great love in our lives. I was blessed to find mine early. I have been so blessed to build a life and family with him that I find myself getting choked up thinking of what it might be like to lose him now or even someday in the distant future.
Even though I’ve demanded that he let me go first when the time comes I know the universe just doesn’t work that way. I know someday I will be faced with losing him. It saddens me, but also makes me want to embrace the moments of each day that I am lucky enough to have with him. So I do simple things to ease the anxiety. I never let him leave the house or drive home from work without telling him to ‘be safe.’ Even when I’m angry I do not hesitate to say ‘I love you.’ And, at 5:00 in the morning I’ll choose to stand with him in the hot shower instead of heading to the kitchen for that quiet cup of coffee.
These moments are fleeting. We are lucky we get them at all. And, even with the worry that he may someday be gone, right now he is here.
With me.
And I am thankful.
This post was inspired by Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor. During the fifth month of her pregnancy of her first child Natalie Taylor is devastated by the sudden death of her husband. Her journey with grief is chronicled in this touching memoir Join From Left to Write Book Club on March 29 as we discuss this amazing book. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a complimentary copy of the book. All opinions are my own.
So, we read as a family and have the joy of riding trains, changing colors, comforting pets, dressing fancy, and reaching the stars at a moment’s notice.
