academics - hooey!critic

The When and Where of Writing

I’ve read in numerous books that it is not only important to have a space for writing, but it’s also important to have some semblance of a writing routine.

I know people that can only write first thing in the morning before anyone in the house wakes and demands attention. I know people that work until the wee hours of the morning because that’s when creativity strikes.

I tend to break both those rule and write when I can and where I can.

I don’t have a designated writing space. Our house just isn’t conducive to having an office or space specifically for work. I write on the couch, in the bed, in the bathroom, on the closet floor, in the carpool line – wherever I can squeeze out 5 minutes. If that means typing on my laptop on the outside of the tub while my bottom half is inside the tub then so be it!

When it comes to a writing routine I tend to take both sides. If I am doing any of my personal writing, blogs, or fiction I don’t worry about where I am, how I look or what comes out. I just write. I just feel it. I let it flow, skip the edits until necessary, and just enjoy the process of the ideas becoming something.

If I am writing anything academic it all changes. I can’t even fathom putting words to page until I’m showered and wearing actual clothes (as opposed to my favorite yoga pants!). I have to have a fresh pot of coffee ready, my glasses must be clean and accessible, I need a specific notebook and pen for jotting down ideas, and I have to go into this weird breathing get focused zen place to produce anything.

I go through all this and then maybe I can start to write. Maybe the thoughts will come. Maybe the words will actually make it to the page. And this whole process feels so fake. I feel like such a fraud when it comes to the “serious” academic writing. It’s like I have to physically and mentally put myself into a “serious” space in order to create anything. I’m such a dork, right?! I’ve tried to do my academic writing in the same chaos and environment as my personal writing, but it ends up being about as non-academic as writing can be.

Academic writing feels so forced to me. It never feels like it’s my voice or my ideas. It feels more like I’m producing what is expected or celebrated by smart folks rather than what is real and taken from the depth of my soul. And, that tends to piss me off.

I’m not sure where this post was meant to go or if I even have any kind of ending for it. But, I just had to get that out there. I hate not “feeling it” with academic writing – especially since I still have to finish my dissertation.

I have to say, though, that if I could write my entire dissertation like I write my blog I’d rock the shit out of it.

And then I’d smile from my couch while wearing my yoga pants as the serious academics shun my “non-serious” work. But at least it would be me.

Stupid Libra and its need for balance!

I was driving home from a full day of classes yesterday when I became a little sad.

I was thinking about much I love being back in school. The environment, the academics, the learning, the people – it’s as if I’ve found a soul mate in a way – something that makes me a better person – something that makes me feel more whole than I ever would without it.

Then I come home.

I jump knee deep into motherhood, suburbia, and family commitments and I come alive. I feel a purpose, a pull that is bigger than myself and more eternal than I could ever imagine. I love it. I’m tired and stressed and constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for my family, but I love it.

And, so begins the pull.

I always said that I never wanted school to come before my children. Yes, I want this PhD. Yes, I feel I’ll be better for them through the process and upon its completion. But, I’m beginning to feel more of a pull toward school than I expected.

I put my career on hold for several years to become a stay-at-home mom – a decision I’ve never questioned or regretted. It was a very love/hate experience, but I think it was the most amazing experience I could have had.

Suddenly I’m pulled in a direction that is telling me to make this whole academic experience something equally as amazing. The trade off for that would be less time with my children – less time to be involved, volunteer, kiss the boo boos, and capture their moments.

There is an opportunity for an assistantship that I’m aching to apply for. It is something that I believe could be an amazing experience in terms of helping my become more well-rounded in this academic journey. It would require more time. More commuting. More days away from my children and family.

I don’t know if I have it in me to find that balance.

I don’t know how my husband would feel to see my ‘career’ come first for a change despite the fact that mine makes an almost trivial amount of money compared to his.

We’ve talked about moving closer to campus. But, that would involve a major overhaul of our lives, our children, his job, the home we probably can’t sell. Can I really ask that of my family? Is that really fair?

While I’m sure the solution will become clear eventually I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of my children.

And I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of myself…

I never want to look back and think ‘What if…’

I think that would be a thousand times worse than trying and not achieving the balance I so desperately want.