PhD - 3/3 - hooey!critic

Just a Mom

August 13, 2010 By Neena 9 Comments

It’s not often that I feel really out of place. Most of the time I can find a niche just about anywhere or learn to fit with my surroundings. I tend to be able to make conversation fairly easily and I’m not really intimidated by trying something new. In a group of bloggers I feel at home. I feel like I’ve found my people – those that just ‘get you’ – no judgement, no explanations.

What I adore the most about being back in school is that it feels like the right fit – similar to the way blogging does. I’ve talked before about the good friends I’ve made and the sense of community that has sprung from the most odd ensemble of people. We just clicked.

But things can just as easily un-click when you least expect it.

As much as I wish I felt like I fit this year I don’t think I do. That world that I became so attached to has morphed into something with new people, new offices, and new opportunities – none of which I’m a part of. I’m not teaching a class or diving into a fancy, new assistantship. I’m not working with a team on a publishable paper or presenting at a conference.

I’m just a mom.

That somehow got accepted into a PhD program.

I’ll never be in a situation where I can experience this the way they can. I’ll never live close enough to enjoy a game of tennis on a whim or go out for drinks. I’ll never be involved enough or close enough to participate in office banter and jokes. I’ll never be a part of the same world they are.

I’m just a mom.

I’ve never understood why using the phrase ‘just a _____’ was so harsh until now. It’s like being segregated from something by no fault of your own – just the circumstances of life. I sat in a room yesterday with people that I felt so incredibly close to just a few short months ago. But, in the moment, I realized that connection had passed. It was as if an entire dance was happening around me and I just couldn’t quite find the rhythm.

Somehow I missed the boat.

Somehow being just a mom that happened to get accepted to a PhD program is not enough to break down the barriers that exist merely from having slightly different circumstances. Somehow I’ve ended up on the sidelines, without a niche, and farther from being a part of the department family than I ever thought possible.

Existing in two worlds is difficult, but I thought I’d done pretty well until now.

But, at the end of the day, I must realize that some things just don’t fit. And, that’s okay.

It has to be.

So instead I blog. I put it here because “here” is the one place that actually gets it – gets the ‘just a mom’ part of me and welcomes that stance with solidarity and understanding. I say these things here because nowhere else can my voice be heard so clearly. And that makes the fact that my worlds don’t collide a little less hurtful.

Filed Under: back to school, life, PhD

Stupid Libra and its need for balance!

February 4, 2010 By Neena 7 Comments

I was driving home from a full day of classes yesterday when I became a little sad.

I was thinking about much I love being back in school. The environment, the academics, the learning, the people – it’s as if I’ve found a soul mate in a way – something that makes me a better person – something that makes me feel more whole than I ever would without it.

Then I come home.

I jump knee deep into motherhood, suburbia, and family commitments and I come alive. I feel a purpose, a pull that is bigger than myself and more eternal than I could ever imagine. I love it. I’m tired and stressed and constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for my family, but I love it.

And, so begins the pull.

I always said that I never wanted school to come before my children. Yes, I want this PhD. Yes, I feel I’ll be better for them through the process and upon its completion. But, I’m beginning to feel more of a pull toward school than I expected.

I put my career on hold for several years to become a stay-at-home mom – a decision I’ve never questioned or regretted. It was a very love/hate experience, but I think it was the most amazing experience I could have had.

Suddenly I’m pulled in a direction that is telling me to make this whole academic experience something equally as amazing. The trade off for that would be less time with my children – less time to be involved, volunteer, kiss the boo boos, and capture their moments.

There is an opportunity for an assistantship that I’m aching to apply for. It is something that I believe could be an amazing experience in terms of helping my become more well-rounded in this academic journey. It would require more time. More commuting. More days away from my children and family.

I don’t know if I have it in me to find that balance.

I don’t know how my husband would feel to see my ‘career’ come first for a change despite the fact that mine makes an almost trivial amount of money compared to his.

We’ve talked about moving closer to campus. But, that would involve a major overhaul of our lives, our children, his job, the home we probably can’t sell. Can I really ask that of my family? Is that really fair?

While I’m sure the solution will become clear eventually I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of my children.

And I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of myself…

I never want to look back and think ‘What if…’

I think that would be a thousand times worse than trying and not achieving the balance I so desperately want.

Filed Under: academics, daily grind, motherhood, PhD

The Analysis of Variance and other Bull S*&t!

January 8, 2010 By Neena Leave a Comment

So my second semester as a PhD student started yesterday.

The first class up on the agenda: statistics

Also known as The Analysis of Variance

Also known as I’m So Going To Kick Your Ass!

There’s nothing like taking a pretest at the beginning of class, answering 97% of the questions wrong, and then having the professor tell you that if you don’t know that stuff you might as well just get out, take a dumb kid course, and quit wasting her valuable, cocky, statistician time.

Which is essentially what happened.

But, not being one to give up easily, I sat through the the rest of class.

I listened for two hours to what sounded like Cantonese, practiced spelling out Fuck Me phonetically in German, and debated to true worth of a silly PhD anyway.

Then I went home.

I took a shower, watched old episodes of Gilmore Girls, ate a salad, and decided to sleep on my decision whether to drop the class.

I woke up and decided I was going to do my damnedest to pass the class. But, the real question is this:

What do you do when you are signed up for an 8300 level graduate course in Statistics and you haven’t had anything remotely like stats since 1999?

The answer is simple:

You bundle up your children, brave the ice on the road, drop the oldest two off for a night with their grandparents, take the youngest to the bookstore with you, buy a couple Statistics in a flash! type books, plan for a weekend cram session, and begin offering your naturally brilliant husband numerous fun and worthwhile sexual favors if he’ll spend his weekend helping you master the basics.

Foolproof, no!?

Yea, I’m pretty much screwed.

Drat.

Filed Under: back to school, PhD

Final(ly)

December 7, 2009 By Neena 4 Comments

This evening, at approximately 7:34, I finished my last assignment for the semester. I spell checked that bad boy and submitted its electronic ass with a no hesitation.

I have to attend one more class on Wednesday and then I’m done.

Done.

Until January 7th.

I’ve got one semester under my belt and only about 47 more until I finish this PhD. But, I found myself actually a little giddy when I thought about what I had accomplished this semester and what is still to come. I’ve met some amazing people. They challenge my thoughts and make me laugh and help to make this whole academic world a bit more fun. They smile and crack jokes and we like each other for who we are. I’ve stressed and cried and lost sleep over assignments that didn’t make sense. And, I’ve celebrated when they actually did. I’ve developed new goals and accepted that sometimes the unknown is okay.

Hey, Grad School. I like you and you make me feel all warm and squishy and I’m super happy that I get to learn stuff within your walls every week. I’ll miss you over the holiday break, but I’ll be back in a month as an even dorkier over-achiever. Kisses!

Filed Under: back to school, PhD

We’re in serious trouble if this is as good as it gets…

October 20, 2009 By Neena 19 Comments

All of the follow quotes were taken from college level essays that I graded for one of my professors. Many were written by Sophomores and Juniors. Should we start praying now!?

“I always thought japanese and Koreans were the same race.”

“This is the first time I heard about ‘womanhood.’ I though there was only manhood.”

“Brazilian women do not swim because big arms and shoulders are not acceptable in their culture. They avoid that because in their culture that is unattractive to men.”

“The American Cancer Society doesn’t seem like everyone’s first pick as the most fun group to be a member of.”

“Nowadays the number of less fortunate, lower class people are able to participate in golf due to the enormous amount of programs allowing them to play on actual courses.”

“Black history month is a time for people of African American or Black descent to come together and celebrate something as an ethnic group by themselves. Whites, Mexicans, and Asians, do not really celebrate this month because they are not black and do not share the experiences that people of African American race share such as oppression of slavery, discrimination, or having ancestors who have died because they were fighting for their freedom.”

“The kids are only in high school, they shouldn’t have their minds set on being gay that early in life.”

And, yes. The rest of the essays are as bad as you’re thinking. And, I’m sure you wouldn’t be at all surprised to know that one student quoted Lil’ Wayne as a means of demonstrating diversity.

I’d request hazard pay for all the brain cells I lost by grading them, but the budget cuts…

Filed Under: PhD, wow

Return to Campus

September 21, 2009 By Neena 3 Comments

I knew returning to school to work on my PhD would prove to be a balancing act.

I knew I’d have to learn a new routine that allowed me plenty of time to read scholarly articles ranging from qualitative research to Aristotle’s theories of leisure.

I knew I would have to create both time and space for myself so that I could keep on task and complete any and all necessary assignments.

I knew I would have to get over my fear of driving both in the rain and at night and face both simultaneously on a regular basis.

I knew I would have to lose sleep, give up fractions of my weekends, and learn to eat dinner either before 4:00 pm or after 9:00 pm.

I knew these things and I was as prepared as possible for them.

But, I never expected many of the things I’m feeling…

I never expected to long to go out with my classmates for a drink or coffee after class only to be the only one that declines because I have a good hour drive home.

I never expected to want to be involved in numerous campus activities only to realize that I must return for carpool and class parties.

I never expected to find myself imagining what school would be like if I didn’t have so many responsibilities.

I never expected to want to move our entire lives to a college town just so I could be selfish and involved for the next few years.

I never expected to ache so much to make the most of the experience knowing full well that my ability to do so would compromise my role as both a mother and a wife.

I never expected to love being in an academic setting so much that I became slightly envious of the freedom many of my classmates are experiencing.

I thought returning would be easy. I thought I’d drive to class, listen to a professor or two lecture about this topic or that, write a few papers, and return to my life as a wife and mother with ease. I just assumed that the balance would be there – because it had to be.

But, it’s not.

Now, I must work to find a way to satiate my need to be an academic with my need to be there for my family. Choosing just one isn’t an option – though there have been moments when I wish it was. I must work to find the necessary balance. I must find a way to allow my two favorite worlds, the worlds that are so much a part of my happiness, the opportunity to collide and co-exist.

I must do this.

Because I have to.

Filed Under: PhD

can I tell ya a secret?

August 18, 2009 By Neena 8 Comments

I was talking with my father-in-law yesterday afternoon. He was kind enough to come sit with the girls so I could take Jake to his 4 year checkup (which by the way he’s perfectly healthy, a complete genius, and ready for an advanced degree in Physics – we’re looking in to a volcano kit to tide home over!)

But, I digress.

We were casually talking about my upcoming classes and general back to school stuff when I confessed something.

I have thought about a PhD for a while. I always thought it might be cool to have one, but honestly never really put much effort into it beyond that. But, for some unknown reason, I decided on a whim to apply. Yes, on a whim – no more than some general searches on the Internet. I sent off all my materials and waited for a response.

I never, ever, ever thought I would actually get accepted.

Nope – actual acceptance never entered my mind. I figured I get a polite form letter saying ‘thanks, but no thanks.’ I’d file it away, thinking ‘oh well – at least I tried.’ I’d never have to actually go back to school. It was a brilliant, brilliant plan.

Then I got an acceptance letter and the universe called my bluff.

Son of a bitch!

Suddenly, I had to face the fact that not only was I accepted, but now I’d actually have to go to school – or at least come up with some killer excuse as to why I can’t. I still don’t have one by the way. Now I’d actually have to go back, get all knowledgeable and stuff, and actually attempt to do this. In my 30′s. With 3 young kids. Living an hour away from the actual campus.

Damn you, universe! You tricked me big time.

Thanks for that.

Filed Under: PhD