I’ve never really been one to flaunt my accomplishments.  I tend to take the milestone and the goals with a “it’s no big deal” attitude.  Writing, birthdays, school – I’ve always played them off as if they don’t matter. I’m not sure why I do this.  Maybe I don’t want to come off as arrogant.  Maybe I don’t want to steal the sunshine from someone doing something more profound or something bigger.  Maybe I just don’t know how to have pride and confidence in what I do.

Sure, occasionally I’ll shout from the rooftops “Hey, I made it to the mall today with all 3 kids and nobody cried or peed or spilled hot chocolate in Macy’s.”  Somehow that seems worthy of a pat on the back because really? 3 kids at the mall?  That’s like the bonus round of Fear Factor right there!

I’ve talked quite a bit on this blog about working on this PhD – about the struggles to balance it all, about maintaining myself and my voice in an academic world.  In the midst of classes, papers, and defenses I’ve never actually let myself believe I can do this.  I’ve downplayed this process and this accomplishment over and over again.  It’s just what I do.  I’m not sure why.  Perhaps I worry that I’ll fail or not actually finish the program.

Today, though, I ordered my cap and gown for graduation in May.

I ordered the robe, the correct tassel, and the doctoral hood I’ll get when I walk across the stage.  I ordered it after I received a flier in the mail announcing “100 Days Until Graduation.”  At first I wanted to vomit a little because I still have so far to go.  I still have to finish writing my dissertation, formatting it correctly, and defending it in from on my committee of super smart folks that I fear want to do nothing more than fail me so I’ll finally stick around and teach a class or two.  

Then I called my mom and step dad and sent a note to my husband.  They cheered, sounded genuinely excited, and asked repeatedly if I’d be wearing purple (why I’m not sure!).  My mom talked about flying down in May for the ceremony and my husband reminded me (again!) what an example this is for our kids.

And for a brief moment I was excited.  For a brief moment I believed that I’m actually going to have PhD behind my name.

Then the dog chewed up a favorite barbie doll and I was quickly brought back to reality.

But still.  100 days…

Today I successfully defending my comprehensive exams.  I showed up, did the best I could, and left with a realization that I can now move on to writing my dissertation.

Then I got in the car and cried.

I didn’t cry because the defense went poorly or because I received unbelievably negative feedback.  I didn’t cry because I’m scared of what comes next or how I’m going to make it through.

I cried because the stress of this whole semester, this whole comps process needed to be released.  And apparently the only place it wanted to come out was my eyeballs.

So, I cried.  I cried for all my attempts to balance being a mom and a student and for all my struggles to blend the two into…something.  I cried for the hard work I put into my writing and for the ways I got it right.  I cried for the ways I got it wrong, too.  I cried because I was happy I survived the process and I cried because part of me doesn’t ever want this journey to end.

I cried because because I have authority issues and no matter how much of an expert I am I’ll never be comfortable sitting in a room with uber-smart academics.  I cried because there is so much left to learn and discover.  And, I cried because that’s genuinely who I am.

I’m just me – trying to balance and do and reflect and feel.  It’s just me hoping to tell a story – a story of how mommy blogging changed my world.  And, eventually I’ll get there.

For now I’m taking a small academic break.  I thought I’d be jumping directly into the first 3 chapters of my dissertation.  I wanted to jump right into the first 3 chapters of my dissertation.  But, thanks to my rock-star professor realizing (even more than I did!) that I need a break, I’ll be enjoying a few weeks of rest before moving on to what comes next.

I think I cried for that, too.  And, when this song came on the radio as I was driving home I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’m getting exactly what I need.