I was thinking about much I love being back in school. The environment, the academics, the learning, the people - it's as if I've found a soul mate in a way - something that makes me a better person - something that makes me feel more whole than I ever would without it.
Then I come home.
I jump knee deep into motherhood, suburbia, and family commitments and I come alive. I feel a purpose, a pull that is bigger than myself and more eternal than I could ever imagine. I love it. I'm tired and stressed and constantly questioning if I'm making the right choices for my family, but I love it.
And, so begins the pull.
I always said that I never wanted school to come before my children. Yes, I want this PhD. Yes, I feel I'll be better for them through the process and upon its completion. But, I'm beginning to feel more of a pull toward school than I expected.
I put my career on hold for several years to become a stay-at-home mom - a decision I've never questioned or regretted. It was a very love/hate experience, but I think it was the most amazing experience I could have had.
Suddenly I'm pulled in a direction that is telling me to make this whole academic experience something equally as amazing. The trade off for that would be less time with my children - less time to be involved, volunteer, kiss the boo boos, and capture their moments.
There is an opportunity for an assistantship that I'm aching to apply for. It is something that I believe could be an amazing experience in terms of helping my become more well-rounded in this academic journey. It would require more time. More commuting. More days away from my children and family.
I don't know if I have it in me to find that balance.
I don't know how my husband would feel to see my 'career' come first for a change despite the fact that mine makes an almost trivial amount of money compared to his.
We've talked about moving closer to campus. But, that would involve a major overhaul of our lives, our children, his job, the home we probably can't sell. Can I really ask that of my family? Is that really fair?
While I'm sure the solution will become clear eventually I don't want it to be at the expense of losing part of my children.
And I don't want it to be at the expense of losing part of myself...
I never want to look back and think 'What if...'
I think that would be a thousand times worse than trying and not achieving the balance I so desperately want.
