I was driving home from a full day of classes yesterday when I became a little sad.
I was thinking about much I love being back in school. The environment, the academics, the learning, the people – it’s as if I’ve found a soul mate in a way – something that makes me a better person – something that makes me feel more whole than I ever would without it.
Then I come home.
I jump knee deep into motherhood, suburbia, and family commitments and I come alive. I feel a purpose, a pull that is bigger than myself and more eternal than I could ever imagine. I love it. I’m tired and stressed and constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for my family, but I love it.
And, so begins the pull.
I always said that I never wanted school to come before my children. Yes, I want this PhD. Yes, I feel I’ll be better for them through the process and upon its completion. But, I’m beginning to feel more of a pull toward school than I expected.
I put my career on hold for several years to become a stay-at-home mom – a decision I’ve never questioned or regretted. It was a very love/hate experience, but I think it was the most amazing experience I could have had.
Suddenly I’m pulled in a direction that is telling me to make this whole academic experience something equally as amazing. The trade off for that would be less time with my children – less time to be involved, volunteer, kiss the boo boos, and capture their moments.
There is an opportunity for an assistantship that I’m aching to apply for. It is something that I believe could be an amazing experience in terms of helping my become more well-rounded in this academic journey. It would require more time. More commuting. More days away from my children and family.
I don’t know if I have it in me to find that balance.
I don’t know how my husband would feel to see my ‘career’ come first for a change despite the fact that mine makes an almost trivial amount of money compared to his.
We’ve talked about moving closer to campus. But, that would involve a major overhaul of our lives, our children, his job, the home we probably can’t sell. Can I really ask that of my family? Is that really fair?
While I’m sure the solution will become clear eventually I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of my children.
And I don’t want it to be at the expense of losing part of myself…
I never want to look back and think ‘What if…’
I think that would be a thousand times worse than trying and not achieving the balance I so desperately want.
Perhaps you shouldn't look at it as loosing part of your children. Think of what your children might gain. If this is what you really want to do, they will see their mom fulfilling a goal and achieving something she wanted. I think that would be a very good thing to model for your children.
Wow. Lots to think about.
Here's my philosophy, stolen straight from a songwriter whose name I'm embarrassed to reveal to you:
I'd rather be sorry for something I've done than for something I didn't do.
If its something you so desperately want, you will find a way to do it with out guilt. Follow your heart and your family will benefit from it too.
I hear ya! When Maya was 2 – 4 I was back in school. It was so hard, and so conflicting. I just stuck with it, did the best I could, and then it was over and life became more calm. I think it helped to teach her some important lessons, too.
How incredibly tough… and so much to think about. Being a mom is a full time never ending (wonderful and tiring) job in intself – adding school to that, wow. I wish you luck, lots of it, and I strength to figure it out and to make the right decision for you and your family. I would probably do terrible going back to University now for my Masters – I know I wouldn't have the dedication, even though, oftentimes, I miss school so, so much.
Just think about what you would say to your children if they were stressing over something similar to your current situation. Im pretty sure you would say some thing like, "Whatever you have to do, you need to do it 100%. Dont do it halfway. Don't NOT do it just because you might neglect other things in your life. You have to do it for you and no one else. You only have one life." Just hink about it a bit longer…you'll make the right decision!