I drive the miles between my house and campus and I think about what I’m learning. I think about theories and ideas and how I fit into it all. I read chapters and write reflections. I participate in discussions and share in the camaraderie formed with those I’ve met along the way.
What I love most about the entire experience is that I get to do it all as me.
Me.
I’m not known as <insert child’s name here>’s mom. I’m not recognized by which park or play group I frequent. I’m not known for my child’s preschool or my volunteer status. I’m not asked about pediatricians, vaccinations, breast feeding, or my views on which soccer program is best.
I’m just me.
I get to be so much of who I was before I ever became known as a mother or a wife – back when I was just Christina. I’m asked how I’m doing and what I think or believe. My existence on campus is about me.
It’s as if I get to divorce myself from these other, albeit wonderful, roles I have. For a few short hours each week I get to be just myself. I get to develop my thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. I get to be known only as myself.
I’m not known for anything other than who I am. And, I like that.
I like that there’s a part of the old me that survived. I like that this part of the old me is emerging and making herself known again. I like that she didn’t get buried away forever. If I get nothing else out of this crazy PhD experience I’ll at least be able to know that for a short while I got to just be myself.
Of course, when I drive home and transition back to wife and mother, the hugs and pure love I get makes me wonder why I’d ever want to step back into who I used to be.
Maybe there’s a way to meld it all into something…great. Maybe what I need to be working toward is a balance – a balance of the old and new.
I’ll work on that…after I finish my term paper.
All of a sudden it will all blend together. The "you" at school will make you a better person at home and the love and mommyness and wife from home will make you a better student. It all works out great.
What an awesome opportunity you have. I really didn't get to be JUST me until my kids were much older. But really, it's more along the lines of what you wrote–I'm more of a melded version of the old me, and that's cool.
I enjoy your blog, Christina. Swing by my blog when you're done with your homework and pick up the Heartfelt Blog Award I'm presenting you with.