back and forth

I drive the miles between my house and campus and I think about what I'm learning. I think about theories and ideas and how I fit into it all. I read chapters and write reflections. I participate in discussions and share in the camaraderie formed with those I've met along the way.

What I love most about the entire experience is that I get to do it all as me.

Me.

I'm not known as <insert child's name here>'s mom. I'm not recognized by which park or play group I frequent. I'm not known for my child's preschool or my volunteer status. I'm not asked about pediatricians, vaccinations, breast feeding, or my views on which soccer program is best.

I'm just me.

I get to be so much of who I was before I ever became known as a mother or a wife - back when I was just Christina. I'm asked how I'm doing and what I think or believe. My existence on campus is about me.

It's as if I get to divorce myself from these other, albeit wonderful, roles I have. For a few short hours each week I get to be just myself. I get to develop my thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. I get to be known only as myself.

I'm not known for anything other than who I am. And, I like that.

I like that there's a part of the old me that survived. I like that this part of the old me is emerging and making herself known again. I like that she didn't get buried away forever. If I get nothing else out of this crazy PhD experience I'll at least be able to know that for a short while I got to just be myself.

Of course, when I drive home and transition back to wife and mother, the hugs and pure love I get makes me wonder why I'd ever want to step back into who I used to be.

Maybe there's a way to meld it all into something...great. Maybe what I need to be working toward is a balance - a balance of the old and new.

I'll work on that...after I finish my term paper.