Dear Lord,
Okay. I’m not usually one to approach you with a negotiation, but we have a problem. It’s 5:22 and my class does not end until 8:00. That’s almost three hours from now – and by the feel of my stomach I’m not sure I’m gonna last that long. So, I must say, Oh Lord, please do not let this be the beginnings of diarrhea that I’m feeling!
5:27 – Sweet, sweet Jesus – please let that rumble indicate hunger. And, please let my ass muscles work some major miracle right now to keep me puckered real good until I can make it home.
5:29 – For the love of all that is good and holy do not let anything whatsoever slip out while I’m forced to sit in this leather chair.
5:33 – Please, oh please, God, just let me make it until the end of class where I can escape to the safety of my car. You know good and well that I have never been able to do a number 2 in public, but if you’ll get me to my car I’ll gladly deal with the shame of shitting my own pants.
5:35 – Oh, Heavenly Father! I’m asking you now to use your infinite power to let me survive the rest of the class with no accidents that will require me to become that girl that farted and crapped her pants in class. I promise anything and everything if you’ll just let me get through the rest of this class (that only seems to be dragging tonight of all nights!)
Just. This. Once. Please!!!
Amen.
*Several Hours Later…
Dear Lord,
Thanks for helping me get home before everything (and I mean everything) exploded. Thanks, also, for not letting me hit those deer I saw. And, I’m sorry for using the word ‘shit.’
Amen.
