A year ago this week I wrote this.
And, several months later I wrote this.
This weeks marks the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy. It seems when I talk about serious and personal things on this blog I get a bunch of calls from family asking if I’m okay or what was up with the serious vibe. Let me reassure you, family, that I am fine. This blog, this space is where I feel most comfortable talking about the sappy crap and the personal stuff. And, one year later I’m still very raw.
I think about the fact that I had a hysterectomy everyday. I think about the changes I have seen in myself both physically and emotionally since going through with it. Some aspects have greatly improved, but some have sadly diminished. I feel different. No better, no worse – just different. I’m still me – just with one less part.
And, frankly, sometimes it sucks.
I think it’s the finality of the whole thing – the fact that a specific part of my body and my life is over. I think about having more babies every single day. I thinking about what would have happened had I not gone through with it. Do I regret it? Not necessarily, but I do still mourn the loss and find myself wondering if there was ever supposed to be another child in our family. I think about this every day.
So, here I am one year later quietly remembering a day that doesn’t mean much to anyone but me. A friend suggested I mark the occasion with brownies, a candle, and a wish. My first choice would be to spend the evening with my husband, the only person in the world that can make me feel alive, sexy, and like a total girl just with his sly smile.
But, since he was called out of town on business I may take her suggestion. After all – it does involve chocolate…
Mmmmm! Send one my way.
I read your very touching post from a year ago. I'm sorry you went through all that, even though it was your decision. It's not ever going to be easy… of course you will think everyday if you made the ultimate best decision – but you are the same wonderful girl and fabulous mother to 3 children! 3!!! I'm on the fence about having a 3rd and I'm pretty sure I won't be having another child and even though my uterus is still in place, knowing that my husband is pretty much sure we are NOT having another child, it's sort of like, that part of my life is over, too. Chances are, I won't ever be pregnant again, either… it's sad to think about. But realize you made the right decision for yourself. You are blessed with your children! Take care, hon… xox
The finality is hard. And I think, in a lot of ways, you have to mourn the loss of what might have been, if only for a moment every now and then. I know I do.
Next week I'll be putting an end to my "child-bearing years" as well. Not with a hysterectomy, but it will be permanent nonetheless. It's the best decision for me and my family. However, even though I know I don't need or necessarily want any more children, the finality of it…the definitive "No, I can't" hurts a bit and makes me wonder, "What if…?" Thanks for sharing.