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What was I thinking!?

January 30, 2009 By 5 Comments

In the span of one morning my son has gone out of his way to remind me that this whole motherhood thing is a love/hate relationship.  

After a morning of paying bills, taking my daughter to school because hubby had a quarterly meeting somewhere in the bowels of Atlanta, drinking way too little coffee, and forgetting to shower, I headed to the grocery store.  
Apparently we’re supposed to get some *bad* weather late this weekend and we would hate for the fridge to not be stocked.  Plus, there is some stupid game or something this weekend that required most Americans to eat a ton of junk food and scream at inanimate objects.  
My husband:  Do you remember the blizzard of ’93?  We got like 6 inches of snow and the city shut down for like 4 days!  They’re predicting the weather this weekend to be about half as bad as that!
Me (thinking):  I love you, but you’re a tool!
So, I shuffled two sick kids to the store this morning in an effort to make sure we have all the milk and bread available.  And cheetos…you know, for the kids.  
On the way there my son said the following:
“Mommy I’m going to play with Jesus when I get to Heaven”
Oh.  Cute.  
This is why I love being a mother.  
So after surviving the store, the parking lot, and the crying, snotty children, my son says to me: 
“Mommy, what’s wrong with your face?  You look old and mad.”
Well, f*#k.    
This is why I don’t like being a mother.  
I have been feeling like crap all morning because in the midst of tending to all the fevers, snot, diarrhea, crying, whining, and lack of eating I completely forgot to take care of myself. 
And, to make things that much more fun I decided to attempt to go back to school for my PhD., and I have to take the GRE this weekend.  
So, while I continue to wipe noses and coerce my son into eating some jell-o, I’ll be reviewing all kinds of crap from school that you never ended up needing to know except in the case of taking the damn GRE!
Qualitatively reason this, assholes!
I’m sorry.  I’ll be nice after a shower…and apparently a face lift.  
Filed Under: daily grind

The WTF Blanket (Snuggie Parody)

January 29, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Hubby said I *have* to blog about the Snuggie. Here ya go!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Boobs, Beer, and Bikinis

January 29, 2009 By 1 Comment
Last night, as my husband waited patiently for our son’s prescription to be filled at the local supermarket, he was approached by a man and given an advertisement.  

Now, I don’t know if my husband was given this advertisement because he’s a man or because he looked like the type that would attend the “1st annual beach party.”  And, I’m not sure how I feel about some weirdo guy stalking other guys outside the grocery store on a Wednesday night in order to encourage them to come watch the bikini contest.  
If you look closely at the advertisement you’ll see that the ladies in this competition will be judged on originality, difficulty, and sexiness.   But, they make a point to say that ‘frontal nudity’ will be cause for disqualification.  
Frontal nudity!?  Did you see the knockers on the chick in the advertisement!?

First, I consider that frontal nudity.  And, second, I have never in my life seen any live boobs that stand at attention like that one does!  That is completely defying the laws of gravity!
And, I can put on my own bikini contest in the comfort of my own home without a $10 cover charge!  
I’ll just have to dig out my old bikini.  I think it is packed away in a box somewhere with my youth and my killer abs.  
Will it be original?  Sure!  I’m sure watching a 30 year old mother squeeze her fat ass into a bikini will be quite original in the world of bikini contests!  
Difficulty?  Well, I’ve got that covered.  And, it won’t be graceful either!
Sexiness?  That’s subjective anyway.  
Will I win any money doing it?  Probably not, but I’m sure I can secure myself a night off from dishes.  If I add in just the right shake or tickle I bet I could even get hubby to paint the bathroom.
Who would have believed we were all so deviant here in the scarecrow capital of the world!?
Filed Under: Uncategorized

Meet Isa: The overweight bulimic cat

January 28, 2009 By 5 Comments
This is Isa.  She’s a sweet thing and, for the most part, pretty harmless.  She likes to sleep upstairs where she won’t be disturbed.  We recently put up a new gate to prevent the baby from climbing the stairs and now Isa is limited in her ability to go into hiding.  

Why?  Well, Isa is a big girl.  She struggles a bit to maneuver and, now with the new gate, she cannot jump the required distance to successfully land on the steps and continue upstairs.  

It’s sad really.  

Let me give you an aerial shot just so you understand the sheer nature of her girth.
See how her body is just overtaking the food bowl.  It’s as if she’s on guard.  This cat tends to act like she is rarely fed and will then gorge herself with the vet recommended special diet food that costs $28 a bag! I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.  
What I am bitter about is the fact that the b@!ch then proceeds to throw up all over my house!  She throws up the $28 food!  I’m not picking on eating disorders, but I kinda thought that the whole binge/purge thing led to some weight loss.  
Apparently not.  
I swear when she sat on my chest last week my lung collapsed.  
**cough, cough**
Filed Under: cat

What I learned this week – carnival*

January 27, 2009 By 10 Comments
Today I decided to participate in a new blog carnival about what I learned this week.  Do you even know what a blog carnival is?  No?
Well, I didn’t either.  But, now I do!  It is a bunch of folks writing on the same topic for a day and then sharing their links so that they can read all the stuff other folks wrote.  
Today’s topic: what I learned this week
See, you just learned what a blog carnival is so now you can participate!  Then you can go learn what other people are learning through the responses on the carnival about learning.  
Make sense?  
Good.  Moving on.
Here is what I learned this week:
  • I would rather throw away underwear than wash it out when someone craps in it.
  • A baby can, in fact, produce something that smells like roadkill on a summer day just from eating a banana and a waffle.
  • Flat screen TV’s suck and I’m perfectly content with my 10 year old boob tube!
  • Wireless printers are the best thing ever!
  • A random piece of poop from a litter box is called a ‘community fecal sample’ by the vet.
  • I was meant to have a break pedal on the passenger side of the car just for the times when hubby is driving.
  • Cheap razors are bad for shaving and cause me to sport Spiderman and Princess band aids simultaneously.  
  • I have no interest in forensics and apparently that puts me in the minority of TV watchers.  
  • A child’s hair clip can cause severe pain when you break it with the bottom of your foot.  
  • Feet can bruise.
  • 3 of my learning points referred to ‘poo’
Wow.  I did a lot of learning this week.  
Guess it is time for a vacation.  
Goodbye forever.  
Filed Under: carnival

Who By Fire

January 27, 2009 By Leave a Comment


My brother.

I often think of my brother in a very positive light. I think of his accomplishments, his sacrifices, his achievements, and his struggles and always come out on the other side with love and admiration. I think about how much I miss him and how I wish he were here to gobble up the hugs and kisses my children ache to give him. I wish he were not so far away.
Our relationship wasn’t always like this.
Growing up my brother and I fought like typical siblings. He would bully me or tease me until I would cry or run and tattle on him. We would rarely share anything with each other and he would always find an excuse not to include me. We tried to band together as we got a bit older and our mother welcomed a new man into our lives. We struggled in a relationship with him and found comfort and safety with one another. When he left for college I felt as if he was experiencing an exciting new world and I was left behind. Even when I began attending the same college a few years later I felt a comfort in knowing that he was there…somewhere. I thought of him as a kind of protector and felt safe knowing I had someone to turn to if I ever needed it.
After college he joined the Army and began his years of travel. He moved from base to base depending on his training and I only saw him on the rare occasion. He did spend some time stationed near my new home in Georgia and we used that small span of frequent visits to connect and get to know each other as adults and as survivors of the same childhood.
He has been stationed overseas for the past few years and is currently serving a tour in Iraq. I don’t hear from him often and I worry daily if he is safe. I miss him terribly and I ache to know that he is home safe and that my children still have their uncle.

Who by Fire by Dana Spechler is the story of a family struggling to keep itself together amidst tragedy and heartache. The books travels great distances to show the broken remnants between Bits and her younger brother, Ash. Their attempts at understanding and acceptance couldn’t help but bring up memories of my own relationship with my brother.
I constantly thought about him while I was reading this book. I would try to picture the life he is leading as a soldier overseas and how my lack of understanding might affect his ability to do the job he chose, much like the two main characters in this book. But, I also felt a comfort in knowing that my lack of understanding about his choices didn’t affect my ability to be loving and supportive. While I think my relationship with my brother is only going to grow and thrive, after reading this book I couldn’t help but remember them many times when it didn’t.
An original post written for the Silicon Valley Moms Blog book club event.

Filed Under: book review

New Book Blog (and a giveaway)

January 26, 2009 By 9 Comments

Check out my new book blog that just launched today!

The Carpool Reader
I have always been a sucker for a good book and I love talking about what I’m reading.  I used to talk to my husband about books, but he recently decided to read a textbook on genetic algorithms.  For fun.  
I can’t talk to him anymore.  
This new blog will give me the chance to share anything and everything about books.  I’ll talk about what I’m reading, what I hope to read, book reviews, and books that have been made in to movies.  I will even be participating in some upcoming virtual book clubs and virtual book tours.  
So, scoot over there and check it out!  Come back here and leave a comment with your recommendation for a good read and you’ll be entered to win a copy of a phemonenal book that I believe everyone should read.  
Trust me when I say it will have a bigger impact then you would ever expect!  If you become a follower of my new blog you’ll earn a second entry!  No entries after 9:00 p.m. Monday.  Winner will be announced on my new blog Tuesday!
Filed Under: book blog

tug

January 26, 2009 By 2 Comments

Every Monday my daughter is required to bring in three pictures that represent the letter they will be studying that week.  Actually, it isn’t necessarily required as much as it is recommended.  

I didn’t send pictures in one week because I plum forgot and there was no Pre-k homework police that came calling, so I just naturally concluded about the whole ‘recommended.’  I bet you’re glad you know all that, huh!?
We started off this weekly assignment by looking through magazines on Friday and then cutting out the pictures for the next week’s letter.  Yes, I am one of those lame parents that is all about the homework being done before the weekend.  But, I’m also a totally sucky parent because I gave up on magazines and scissors because the process was enough to make me start eating my hair.  It consisted of an hour of ‘um, um, um’ in sync with the sound of flipping pages.  
AHHH!!!  
So instead we have resorted to having her tell me words that begin with the letter and we cut and paste pictures from Google.  I figure she’s getting some computer skills and I’m not eating hair.  
The letter for the upcoming week is ‘T’
I forgot to have her do this Friday and realized right before bed tonight that we needed to get it done.  I asked for a ‘T’ word and she gave me ‘turtle.’  
Good job.  Moving on.
Next, she gave me ‘tug.’  Okay great.  
The first pictures to pop up were of all different types of tugboats.  Since she really had no idea what a ‘tugboat’ was I asked her if she was referring to ‘tug’ and in ‘tug of war.’  She was so we started looking for pictures of that.  
The first tug picture we came across after getting on the same page about ‘tug’ was of a bunch of naked cartoon Hawaiian men.  

She didn’t like that picture so we started scrolling down the page for the right picture.  

Imagine my surprise when this was the next photo we saw.








Filed Under: mia, school

I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it. Oh yea.

January 25, 2009 By 5 Comments
Any idea what came in my envelope the other day?


It held the 4 contributors copies I got for having my first essay published in a print magazine!!!
I am totally ‘Woo-Hooing’ right now.

A) because I’m excited
and
B) because the chances of it happening again are probably pretty slim.  
I found myself hugging the envelope and rubbing the front cover in that weird ‘you’re so pretty’ kind of way.  I want to get one copy framed and put the others away.  I should probably let family have a copy, but I’m not that generous.  
Sure, I’ll let them look at it under the condition that they wash their hands, hold it gently, don’t bend the pages, and agree to have me chaperone the entire encounter.   But, if they want a copy then can pay the $3.00 and order.  
Okay, not really.  
I’ll share.  I can be generous that way.  
This time.  
Filed Under: published

A fashion letter

January 23, 2009 By 8 Comments
Dear Ralph Lauren,
Let me begin by wishing you and the family well.  I don’t know how these economic times have been treating you, but I hope you and Polo are surviving.  I’m sure you’re doing fine considering many folks wear your shirts to work and on interviews.  So, hurrah for that!  
Anyway, you may not remember me so let me refresh your memory.  Many years ago you did a lovely guest appearance on Friends playing none other than yourself and the boss of Rachel Green.  Who else on Earth would you play?  Just being Ralph Lauren is cool enough I’m sure.  I myself was a huge fan of Friends and Jennifer Aniston.  So you worked with her and I was a fan of hers and that is how we’re connected.  
See!  We’re practically related.  It’s a shame we haven’t met up for drinks yet.  I know!  We’ll set that up as soon as I clear the air with you.  Deal?
I want you to know that, for the most part, I am not a name brand kind of gal, especially when it comes to clothes.  It isn’t that I wouldn’t love to be a fashionista and look sexy in some Couture, but my lifestyle as a mother just doesn’t allow for it.  You know what I mean?  Hell, I buy my underwear in bulk at the local superstore.  That’s just the kind of gal I am.  No muss, no fuss, and a fan of cotton.  
But, I recently purchased a puffy vest designed by none other than you.  It was a fabulous red  vest that I thought would be great for a family get together I had this past holiday season.  It  was a little on the expensive side costing just over $60, but I figured it was worth it to look a little trendy.  
The day I wore it to our family gathering I noticed that the collar was folded a little funny.  I kept trying to fix it because I sure didn’t want to look like a giant goober while I was wearing my cool puffy vest.  Imagine the shame someone of my status could bring to your clothing, not to mention our close relationship.  
So I made a mental note to iron the collar the next time I wore it.  
That ‘next time’ was today.  
Ironing is a big deal for me, you know.  I just don’t iron.  I never have.  I’m not sure where my ironing board even is and I don’t have any clue why irons need water and all that hoopla.  I’m a ‘toss it in the dryer for a few minutes’ kind of iron lady.  My husband’s clothes are all wrinkle free for a reason.  It’s just part of our lifestyle.  Now, that might make me kind of a shotty homemaker, but to those folks I say ‘Imagine how it will feel when I shove a hot iron in your face, bitch!’  HaHa.  Just kidding.  
I checked to see what fabric the vest was made of because I at least know how to read a label.  It said that my puffy friend was 100% polyester.  Excellent choice, by the way.  I’m a polyester fan.  We should work on bringing it back in to style.  You and Me.  Instead of ‘Polo by Ralph Lauren’  it can be ‘Poly by Mama Ralph Neena Lauren’ 

It’s brilliant!  We’ll iron out the details when we meet for those drinks.  No pun intended.  
I set the iron to the correct fabric setting and look what happened to my puffy friend!!!!

It just melted on impact!  Gone forever!!!  And, look what it did to my $9.00 iron from the Wal Mart!

Oh, Ralph.  I know your devastated.  I can just feel it.  I, too, was saddened by the loss of my trendy puffy vest.  I did try to put it on just to see if the burnt spot could be hidden by a strategically placed folded collar, but there was no such luck.  
Now, I’m not expecting miracles or anything, but I would really appreciate it if you could replace my puffy vest.  Or at the very least send me a gift card so that I may attempt to replace it with something a little more trendy and ready for Spring.  
Since I’m sure you feel terrible given our close personal connection, I would be happy to come see you at your vacation home so that you can have me measured for a custom vest made from none other than our polyester friend.  I can certainly work that in to my schedule between swim lessons with the preschool fundraiser.  
So, you just give me a call and I’m sure we can get this all worked out.  And, I hate to be greedy, but do you think you could fork over the cost for a new iron?  I know I don’t use it much, but my kids have sort legs and since I can’t sew I often need my iron to do some n0-sew hemming.  Understand?  
I look forward to hearing from you soon.  
Hugs and Kisses,
MamaNeena
p.s.  is there a reason why when I call your office they don’t seem to want to put me through?  Perhaps you just haven’t told them who I am.  I’m sure that’s it!
Filed Under: letter