In One Piece

We have returned from our adventure on the river in one piece.  I have arrived home with a new love for my pillow, my shower, and a strong cup of coffee.  We all managed to still like each other – even after sharing the same living space for four days.  I’d even be within the walls of the truth by saying that I still adore my in-laws despite the fact that they wouldn’t let me do anything to help, but whatever!  I waited until they took the kids to the park and then I cleaned my happy ass off!  Pfffttt!

We enjoyed all that the beach had to offer for November, saw some sea turtle going through rehab, and ate our weight in sea food.  We shopped, saw a bad teeny-bopper movie, watched our kids lose all self control and embrace the spoiling that is their grandparents, and even made friends with a stray cat with no tail and a bad leg.  
Jacob, our animal-loving son, made friends with a craw fish he saw on the buffet on Thanksgiving.  Though the thing had been boiled and was no longer living, Jacob insisted on taking him home.  We wrapped him in a paper towel and Jacob carted his new friend back to the condo with a big smile on his face.  
I worried that he would lose it on the way back from the restaurant and I’d find this over-boiled, dried up, horrible thing in my car next week as I sit in carpool.  Luckily, it made it back to the condo in one piece and spent an evening in the fridge.  The next day, despite Hubby’s belief that this was ridiculous, we decided that the craw fish needed to be ‘released’ back into the wild.  
He was so proud of this little mud bug, but didn’t quite understand that releasing him meant that he would ‘float’ away to find his family.  But, we let him go anyway.  We went down to the dock, said our good-bye’s, and Jacob flung his craw fish into the river.  
We waited for him to float away…
and, we waited…
He didn’t move much…
And, i wouldn’t exactly classify what he did do as ‘floating away’…
But, it was still very dramatic and upsetting for a three year old boy.  
Good bye, Craw Fish!  I bet you never knew you’d go from the sea, to the buffet, to fridge, to the heart of a little boy, and back to sea again.  
Yea, yea.  Circle of life and whatnot.  

and, we’re off!

Today we are headed to join my in-laws at their fishing condo on some river here in the south.  

I know, don’t everybody hate me because you’re jealous that you don’t get to stay with your in-laws for five whole days!
I’m actually looking forward to the trip and to relaxing.  My dear mother-in-law will tend to the children and I will work on my knitting.  If you can get past the sulfur smell in the water, the lack of Internet access, and the alligators waiting by the water’s edge to snack on my Weiner dog then I think it’ll be a trip for the memory books.  And, if we get bored, I snuck some home movies into my bag.  Yea, that’ll get the party started right!
Don’t worry.  I packed my pills and my mother in law never turns down a good glass of wine.  
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!  

I’m not here

I’m over here today doing something productive that is not the packing, laundry, cleaning, and general getting ready that is actually on my to-do list! 

Monday should now be called Funday

Do you ever have those days where you wake up with the best of intentions in getting stuff done and you end the day, well, blogging about all the crap you didn’t get done?

Today was not that day.  
Today was the day that began with a little holiday shopping, moved to a little errand running, and ended with a viral rash!  
The baby officially has some viral something that makes her poop mustard, run a slight fever, and break out in bumps that looks like some salmonella/pox/infection come alive! 
No medicine for this.
No treatment for looking like a leper with chipmunk cheeks.  Nope.  
Quite frankly, I wasn’t really worried about the rash as much as I was worried about her inability to sleep at night while sick.  I wanted to ask the pediatrician for some baby Valium, but I thought she’d look down on that.  So, I left with a diagnosis that does nothing but force me to stick a thermometer up her ass anytime she feels hot.  
Party.  
Word.  

Tis the season of…

  • too many choices for a simple holiday card
  • OMG my eyes are going bad from online shopping!
  • that cannot possibly cost that much!?
  • I need a Bat Cave now!
  • Damn old lady stole my parking spot!
  • dealing with all that isn’t possibly worth saving a couple bucks!
  • pie! oh, man, do I love pie!
  • I’ll look down that isle and you look down this isle and we’ll meet back in 5! Break!
  • being the parents of young kids.  

a day at the market

Dear Awkward Checkout Boy,

Thanks for being cool and throwing away that lollipop thing my son unwrapped and licked while I was trying to unload my buggy and keep up with your warp scanning speed.  I appreciate you not making me buy it because then he would have seen that if he licks the candy then mommy will have to buy it and then I’m in for a world of hurt because the kid is smart enough to just start licking random things like toys, dogs, and cars all for the thrill of watching mommy buy them.  
You saved me, dude.  That was pretty nice for a teenager stuck working at what may possibly be the world’s most bizarre discount superstore.  Most teenagers just growl, give a dirty look, and inform their customers for no reason whatsoever that their break is coming up and they are dying for a cigarette.  But, you didn’t do that.  You saved me 97 cents and the tantrum of a three year old.  And, you attempted to flirt with me which was kind of sweet considering I’m a 30 year old mother to three children and I haven’t been flirted with since I was pregnant and that creepy guy at the tire store tried to come on to me.  But, that is a different story.  So, thanks.  
But, if I may, can I give you a bit of advice?  I promise you’ll grow out of your awkward teenage-ness before you know it.  But, if you want to flirt and pick up the ladies you might try zipping up your fly.  I’m just sayin‘.  Happy Holidays.
Sincerely,
Lady with the lollipop licker (okay, now that just sounds dirty)
p.s. I’m pretty sure my son licked a couple more when I wasn’t looking.  You might want to dispose of those, too.  Thanks.  

sick and wrong (and so very, very funny)

feel like I should be headed out for the early bird special

If I didn’t have all these little ones running around at my feet constantly calling me ‘mommy,’ and boobs that haven’t completely given in to the gravitational pull, I’d swear I was pushing 60 these days.  

First, I have found a new love of knitting.  I have officially figured out the basics and someday what you see below will be a scarf for my beloved son.  I’ve begun having aspirations to knit a baby blanket for a dear friend that will be popping out another one come summer.  And, if all goes well, I hope to pick up the hand-knit Christmas stocking tradition started many years ago by my grandmother.  
I spent a good hour just rocking away the afternoon while I practiced my new craft.  The kids were resting on the couch, the baby was asleep, and I was able to knit in almost total peace to the sounds of some cooking show.  I also had the pleasure of enjoying a hot cup of tea while I worked on the scarf.  I have found a new love of hot tea, apple cinnamon spice in particular, and have enjoyed it immensely over the last several days.  
But, I think what really sealed my fate as an old fart is my wardrobe choice this morning.  I was thrilled to discover that my thick fuzzy black socks that keep my feet warm better than any other socks easily fit inside my Crocs without making the whole shoe/sock combo seem too tight.  Add to that the horribly white legs and you’ve got the makings of a day at the Florida retirement home!

If I wake up tomorrow and discover that I can’t function without taking all my pills and I’m looking forward to the Matlock marathon, send someone in to get me!!  But, don’t be surprised if I put of a fight by hitting you with my ‘pocketbook!’

giving thanks for my little man

Jacob’s preschool had their Thanksgiving feast today and Hubby and I were both lucky enough to be there.    We got to witness our precious baby boy turning in to a little man.  He got on stage and sang with his whole heart all the songs he had practiced.  He found us quickly and couldn’t resist the urge to wave often to let us know he was up there.  (as if for a second we could tear our eyes away!)
Through all the sickness, fussiness, lack of sleep, hissy fits, and poop in the underwear that this child has given us, there was also a billion smiles, a million laughs, and more instances than not when he was just happy to see his mommy and daddy.  

I love you, buddy.  
And now that we’re done with the sappy crap – let me just say to all the potential ladies that might enter his life:  I come with the package!  Okay!?  
Glad we cleared that up.  Carry on.  

oh, monday! How I loathe you!

Here what my cat did at 6:45 this morning when he fell off the counter as I was trying feed him.  

Here is where I found dog poop this morning as I was getting the kids ready for school.  
Here is the dog that crapped said poop on my floor.  

Here is the baby that I found playing in said poop as I discovered said poop.  
And, this is my throat that hurts and is full of a viral infection so said the doctor I visited this morning.  
It is 10:40 in the morning and I’m ready to declare this day officially suck-o!